Opt out if you can, but the world won’t wait for you, even if you once made $500,000 a year. For the rest of us, staying at home with our kids while they’re young can be just as fulfilling as maintaining a promising career, as long as we measure success in more than dollars.
I’m coming out of the closet. It’s time for me to say what I am. I’m a “stay at home mom.”
There, I said it.
But it’s one thing to type it out, and another to encounter that question in real life. I watched it happen to a friend:
“What do you do?” someone asked.
“I stay home with my kids,” she replied.
End of story. The conversation moved on to something else, because there’s nothing interesting there, right?
Over the 8 years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve undergone a long, slow evolution from “working mom” to “stay at home mom.” If someone asks me “What do you do?” my answer has been “I work in reality television,” then “I’m an editor for a major news website,” then “I’m a freelance writer.”
Frankly, I haven’t yet been able to say “I’m a stay at home mom” because of what that phrase means to people. Just a mom. I don’t want to be “just” anything. Someone who is “just a mom” is ridiculed as having an otherwise empty life. She’s dumb, she lives off the beneficence of her husband, she has it easy, she sits around all day or has plenty of time to dote on her special snowflake children, keep her house spotlessly clean, work out, and have lunch with her friends.
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Or maybe that’s what it once meant to me, and I don’t want to think that of myself.
So I’m a freelance writer. I work enough that it’s true, at least. The whole point of that job choice, though, is that it allows me to be here at home, at my house, with my children.
I made the choice when faced with the possibility that my kids would be in after-school care until 6 PM every weekday, making it unlikely that they would ever get to attend catechism and make their First Communions, or join a sports team and go to practice, or take karate classes at the rec center, or experience so many things that happen after school on weekdays. The prospect of that life made me physically ill. I cried. I worried. And then I told my husband what I wanted to do.
Ever since then he has been concerned about the hit to our family’s income that my “opting out” of full-time, career-ladder-climbing work would and did bring. But I don’t mind it so much. I want to be the one who is with my kids after school. The financial sacrifice has been worth it so far. My husband feels the pressure – as a university professor, he started teaching summer classes and participates in a grant-funded student advisory program. In turn, I feel the need to save money in many ways. I feel obligated to do more than 50% of the housework not because we are landing in traditional gender roles but because I simply have more time.
When school starts again in just two weeks, both of our kids will be in school from 8AM to 2PM, making it the perfect time for me to go back to at least part-time work. I have a nagging sense of responsibility that tells me I need to use that time to make more money. On the other shoulder is a nagging sense of diminishing confidence that tells me I’ll have a hard time finding suitable work. I work on the internet. I took a break, and any break that lasts longer than 30 seconds can be deadly to a career in an industry that operates at supersonic speed.
So I embrace the “stay at home mom” responsibility like a life raft, a title that gives me a purpose, because without kids I would just be “unemployed.”
Mine is exactly the hurdle faced by the women in Judith Warner’s article for this Sunday’s NY Times Magazine: “The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In,” except in my case I face it without the Ph.D’s, a once six-figure salary, or a douchebag ex-husband. Apart from its misleading title and focus on women of great accomplishment and privilege, which leaves out most other American families, the article pokes at what I consider the one great danger of being a stay at home mom: what do you do when it’s time to go back to work and nobody cares?
I haven’t quite faced that possibility just yet. Finances are not dire. I can crunch the numbers, sell some stuff on eBay, eat rice and beans for months, or God forbid, sacrifice some creature comfort. But we have it a lot better than many people. I chose to stay at home with my kids. A crushing number of families in America do not have that choice. Divorced parents. Single parents. Couples who have so many kids that daycare is more expensive than one of their salaries, so the best option is to have one be at home.
Every family simply has to do what works for them, until it doesn’t. I’ve seen childcare contingency plans of startling complexity designed to allow moms to work full time and also be very present in their children’s lives. Last year I was part of an intricate carpool situation that involved no less than six adults dropping off, picking up, feeding, and chaperoning their kids starting from breakfast and ending sometimes with dinner and often including soccer practice or dance class or emergency coverage on a sick day.
All of those other moms worked full time outside the home. They went through a calculus of daily schedule equations to make sure their kids were always in the care of a trusted adult while they each held demanding jobs. (Sometimes a husband dipped his toe into the mix to fill a gap, but the onus for the complicated setup, interestingly, was on the moms.)
Sometimes I envied them for the escape from their homes and families and into alternate lives of meaningful work where they were seen as whole people with contributions to offer the world. They seemed to truly have it all – putting in a full work day and then sailing up to my house with a gaggle of children in the car, smiles on their faces and intact outfits, makeup, and hair, while I had spent my day alone in my office in yoga pants and I may or may not have brushed my hair by then. They all seemed to have plenty of money, too, while we lived our modest lives, luxuries reserved for when I get a plum assignment or a sponsored post.
I have friends who continued working when I tapered off. They are incredibly accomplished and well-respected in their fields. They have children too, and they are good parents. They seem to have everything, while I only have half. I also have friends who are straight up “just moms” – women who opted out of careers to stay home with their children and they don’t take paying work at all. I identify more with the latter camp. I think it is better that we don’t have to constantly rush out the door. I find it preferable to be there for the kids’ school highlights. I am happy that I can do their homework with them, volunteer in their classes, get to know their peers. But who can put that on her resume?
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It might be several more years before I’m ready to opt back in. By then my peers will have fatter retirement accounts, promotions, nice cars, and their kids will be fine, too. I’ll only have some smug self-satisfaction to show for it, and maybe some Pinterest-worthy birthday party centerpieces behind me. Oh who am I kidding? All the time in the world won’t make that happen.
But that’s okay with me. It really is. Yes, I miss the ego boost of having a “real” job and the ease of having more money. But I would so much more rather have this than that. By the sole act of making a choice, I chose NOT to have those other things. There is no way to have everything I want at the same time.
That’s the danger of media articles pitting the “stay at home mom” stereotype against that of the “working mom.” They always make it sound like one life is better than the other. But we both make sacrifices, whether we made the choice willingly or not.
It’s interesting to read the articles, especially this one, because it’s what prompted this otherwise-out-of-the-blue post. But look past the author’s hand-twisting about feminism or the workplace. Don’t take it as a harbinger of doom. Make your own choice, if you have one. And if you don’t, take heart. Who is that writer to make you feel bad about your life?
Do I worry that I won’t be able to re-enter the workforce smoothly? Hell yes I do. This choice is a great leap of faith, trusting that everything will work out okay. But I’ve paid attention, I’ve kept my head in the game, and I am not too proud to work retail if I have to. (I am, however, too proud to wait tables ever again in my whole life, Amen, thank you Jesus.)
More importantly for me, I’ve been there for my kids. That was the whole point, and what I set out to do. It’s a damn fine accomplishment, one that may be important only to me and my family, but what else is there? What works for me doesn’t have to work for you. What worked, or didn’t work, for those sad ladies in Warner’s article with their number-crunching husbands and their divorces, shouldn’t work for you.
Remember that every mother has her own story. My story, hopefully, will be one that continues with good, kind, happy children who grow to be responsible, happy men. It will include a strong and loving marriage, meaningful and lucrative work, and healthy ties to my family and friends.
During this chapter, my number one job is indeed “stay at home mom.” I might not tell you that if you ask me in person, though, because I still take assignments and pitch stories. I certainly wouldn’t want it to get out that I’m “just a mom.”
—
Update: I wrote this post in 2013. It’s 2016 now, and soon I’ll need to go back to work. Read about how that’s going, here.
Hey Kim–I’ve been where you are. Only I’d toss in that I was a poet and stay at home mother. That always sent people running for the door. There’s no one way of identifying ourselves. Ever. But getting to be home with my girls when they were little was a decision I was lucky to have been able to make and I’ve got no regrets.
Nice post. Thanks for sharing!
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“But I would so much more rather have this than that.”
That’s it – if you’re happy, your family is happy, that matters.
And you are an accomplished writer/blogger/freelancer who hasn’t totally opted out. That’s huge, too.
Jill recently posted…This “Opt Out” Crap? Exactly That.
I think you already know how much this resonates with me, Kim. You touch on so many issues: the lack of respect SAHM’s are given by the world at large (“oh, it’s the most important job in the world” — uh huh), and the effect being out of the workplace has on your self-esteem. I have faith you will not allow yours to be diminished — not as long as you keep writing pieces like this.
Donna recently posted…An Open Letter to Matt Damon: Yes, Your Kids CAN Get a Damned Fine Progressive Education in Los Angeles Public Schools
This is probably the best thing I’ve read on the subject. You hit the nail on the head more than once. I’ve worked full-time, part-time and no-time over the years and it has changed depending on our family’s situation — kids’ ages/schedules, finances, a family illness. It’s fluid.
The one word you use which is important is “fulfilling.” How can these authors (and the rest of us) assume that what is fulfilling for one woman is the same for another? And that never changes as life goes on? Give me a break.
The NY Times article was interesting, but what pissed me off was when the husband said he felt resentful that his wife was “giving away her time for free” to others instead of him. Buh-bye. Thank god my husband actually values that I feel FULFILLED with what I do. In fact, that word is what leads us to make changes as we advance through life …. when it turns into a rat race or we’re too stressed about money or childcare, etc. ….. we adjust. Sometimes there are short term sacrifices of time and/or money. But there’s a long term goal to feel fulfilled and happy.
And it works. I don’t have it all, but I have what keeps me fulfilled.
Love this. I consider myself a SAHM but I’ve kept my hand in the working world since my daughter was born. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. When the work/mom balance gets to heavy, I always let the work slip off. That’s my choice.
Work will always be there in some form, but my daughter is already 9, which means I’m already half done with live in parenting and I don’t want to miss the second half either.
Finally, the husbands and wives in that article seemed awful dumb for all their degrees.
Elise recently posted…The Chinese Theatre is Dead, Long Live the Chinese Theatre
Speaking from the other end of the SAHM choice – my kids are 21 and 23 – I can say without hesitation that it was totally worth it. I wouldn’t change a thing, despite the fact that our finances would have been better all those years, had I been working. And even better, my kids are so grateful to me for having been at home with them.
The most difficult part was figuring out what to do after they left home – and looking for a job was a joke, believe me. No one wants to hire a 48 year old who hasn’t worked in 20 years, no matter how many charity functions she’s put on or PTA offices she’s held. That’s the reality.
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Did you finally land a job?
I did, actually. And it’s been as hard as I expected to adjust to it. We are coming up on some school half-days and parent teacher conferences, and I’m torturing myself trying to juggle it all. On the other hand, it will be good for us.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these issues since starting to work outside the house again six months ago. For the first time in a decade. While I agree with a lot of the points made in the NY Times article (looking for a job is always hard, worse when you’ve been out of the market for sure), this makes more sense. Do what feels right for you.
While their kids might be “fine” those kids won’t have the same memories of their mother that yours will have of you.
Thank you posting this – even the hard bits are so poignant and relevant. I remember telling my husband once about two years into my SAH journey that if he didn’t tell me I was doing a good job, no one did. There was no paycheck to measure my value. No congratulations. No big project or deadline. Just unending (or so they seemed) laundry and diaper changes. Un glamorous in the extreme.
I’ve learned to adjust my attitude a little since then. 🙂 it comes down to choosing the sacrifices I am comfortable with to be home with my children. I’d rather drive a used car and see their daily successes than drive a new luxury vehicle and hear about them second hand.
Great post.
I’ve always appreciated the “opt” part of “opt out”–as you aptly note, it’s good to be in a position to have the options. I opted, for the most part, not to be “out” of the full-time workforce–and there were times when it wasn’t an option NOT to be in it, anyway. But I also opted for only one child, and I might have chosen differently if I’d had more, or had the one I did at a later stage of life. I think every option comes with a side order of angst, probably, and I think you’ve done a beautiful job of exploring it all here. I don’t think you get to opt out of being a thoughtful, thought-provoking writer, my friend :-).
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I am a new mom and I wish I could stay at home with her. I wish I didn’t have to work, but our health insurance (which is becoming less attractive due to upcoming changes to our insurance) comes from me. Luckily, my mom retired so we don’t have to pay 15K in daycare. But every day I miss her so much. I get to see her for about an hour to hour and a half before she goes to sleep every day.
Our weekends are packed with music and classes and outings but it’s because I want to make the most out of the time I have with her. I adore Monday Mommy and Me class because it’s a solid two hours with her.
One of my musts though even with working, is finding a way to still be that soccer or dance mom (or whatever she wants to do). I want to be there for everything and I will find a way.
btw, I’ve gone to work with my clothes on backwards and my hair definitely not done. lol If I could wear yoga pants to work, I would. lol
Trina recently posted…Breastfeeding – making it to 6.5 months
As someone who had no choice in working full time I can tell you I hated every minute of missing my child’s life. I missed so much, and can’t get it back. When I lost my job I gained my life. We are struggling, and at times it’s horrendous! However, I get to be with my kids. Everything you said is just amazing! Thank you for writing this, and thank you for saying it’s OK to be a stay-at-home-mom. As always I want to just reach out and tell you how much you rock!
Candice @ Fashionably Organized recently posted…Feminine Shoes & Accessories
I love this post.
I think NO one should ever be “JUST” anything… we are all fulfilling a purpose in life. How and what that looks like is no one’s business, but our own… working, not working, freelance, not freelance… the only mom I’m pointing any fingers at is one struggling with an addictive battle, leaving the chidden neglected and even then… it’s less in judgement and more about the tragedy of the situation.
We should all be so blessed as to have time to judge others. Let’s just all please get along!
I adore this post. I’ve been home two years and I definitely find myself wondering what it will be like when I try to go back to work. I’ve got a toe or two still in — writing and freelancing when I can. But this is the option I chose and I can’t say that I’ll ever regret it.
Erin L recently posted…Finally! A great movie for the under 6 set {Disney Planes}
Wow! I love this piece, Kim. It is thoughful and thought provoking. You bring up some excellent points. And you are so much more than “just a mom.” All SAHMs are. Of course we all know that, but still, it is hard to garner the respect it deserves sometimes.
And really, I couldn’t get through that NYT article – it really didn’t speak to the masses. (I mean boo hoo that one of the women once made $500,000 and had to settle for a job -that she found quite easily- only making $100,000.)
I re-entered the fulltime workforce last year and know for a fact that leaving destroyed my earning power. All of my friends who stayed in now make at least double what I make. (At least.) And while there are many things I might change about the choices I made over the last 16 years of motherhood, leaving to be “just a mom” when my kids were small is not one of them. I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Charlene Ross recently posted…Just Lose It: What It’s Really Like to Join a Six-Week Weight Loss Competition (Week 4)
This is such an excellent post. I am right there with you and holding on to that hope that it will all work out. In my experience, when you believe it will, it usually does.
Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) recently posted…Disney’s Planes takes off with Preschoolers! {mega review & free printables!}
Your post hit home with me. (Yes, I cried…still crying.) 13/14-years ago, I was working in retail sales climbing the ladder quickly when my one of my two babysitters quit on me. Daycare would’ve taken up 100% of my paycheck and then some, so staying at home with my 3 boys made sense. All these years I secretly enjoyed being a SAHM very much, but to this day it’s very hard to say what I am aloud without ducking for cover. Now I’m at the other end failing miserably to opt-back-in. Employers are so brutal to SAHM; I can’t even get a job as a dishwasher.
Keep writing…keep searching for gigs…it will help keep your ego in balance and hopefully ease a return to the workforce if you ever choose or need too.
Thank you for sharing this story! I’m not alone.
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I’m opting back in right now and, when writing my freelance bio for the company, everything was so momish. It was frustrating, but i have to remember… Being mom isn’t just a job, its an identity. Stay at home is most of my job right now and every day I work at it to so a better job. Just like in working trying to be a better freelancer.
Thank you for a wonderful post. I guess I have also opted out. I still work in my industry as a consultant from home. And I opted out of being a classroom teacher, not a 6-figure executive or big firm lawyer. While I am giving up tenure, and steps on the salary ladder, and paying into the retirement system, it is the right choice for me and my family. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
Candace recently posted…Do You Tip Camp Counselors?
Looking after kids is important and challenging work. Don’t ever doubt your contribution to society. Lovely article.
Damn.
I saw on Facebook that you needed to process this article before responding and hell if you didn’t process that shit.
(Can I say shit here? I hope so.)
Either way, you are brilliant.
Every word here makes me think that an employer would be foolish/insane not to clamor to have you on her (his – whatever – let’s just be crazy and say ‘her’) payroll) when and if you are ready to “opt in.”
Or maybe you already ARE in. For whatever it is you want to be doing.
Either way, you’re crazy smart.
And thoughtful and circumspect.
And right right right.
julie gardner recently posted…But I don’t even own any lipstick…
I meant to say this earlier but got distracted. One of the things that strikes me is that there is a season for everything. Other cultures in the past have recognized this for men as well as for women. Unfortunately, our culture does not allow for this.
Also, even though one parent is primarily making the career sacrifice to stay at home, I think that the other parent benefits from an increased connection. My husband recognizes how my staying at home enables him to be more involved during the time he has off from work.
Candace recently posted…Do You Tip Camp Counselors?
I really believe that there are women who are simply cut up for motherhood and will survive being a stay at home mom. The struggle starts when it wasn’t their choice but more of a necessity, something they sort of ‘have to,’ but even in those cases you can turn yourself around 180 degrees. Of course you’ll be needing a lot of support from family, from husband and partner as well. But to even begin with your journey you will need first and foremost have an open mind that motherhood truly is the trickiest job in the world. 😉
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I couldn’t have said it better myself. Well done.
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Yeah Kim!
So thankful you said this. Being home with my kids is the most important thing I know I can do. I am cherishing every moment…even when it’s not all that fun. Such a bold statement. Thank you!
This is terrific, and so true! I have been a SAHM for 12 years now, and over the years have picked up the odd job here and there to help out finances. I was fortunate enough 7 years ago to pick up an ongoing freelance writing job where I write content for websites, and that made the ability for me to SAH possible. One salary would not have cut it for us, but we managed to get by. When I made the choice to start homeschooling as well, it got even more interesting as I was now teaching days and working nights and sleeping very little. But I wouldn’t trade any of it. It is so rewarding to see your kids become who you hoped they would be, and to get to spend plenty of time with them as well.
But how sad that in addition to saying oh I homeschool, I also have to mention that I am a writer because that is what validates me. To say that you are a SAHM yes, is met with the “oh, you are not going to be very interesting” look, but say that you are a homeschooling SAHM and you have just entered the “religious crackpot” territory as well as not being interesting. So I follow up with the writer info and now I am interesting again.
Thanks for a terrific article – it is one that will hopefully make many people think about their prejudgments – and remind us not to judge those that chose the working world either. The world is too short for us to continue to battle each other – imagine what we could do as women if we finally banded together?
Joanne Ruscella recently posted…Snow Day!
Kim, I think you nailed the conundrum down to a T. I opted to stay home with my kids for 10 years. Then I went back to nursing school and became an RN. The great part of being an RN is that you can have a flexible schedule, work part-time, and make the exact same, or even higher, hourly wage at another nurse working full-time. Not many professions have that benefit.
The main problem I see is that the working world is built around male biology, not female. It’s also constructed around male priorities, which, as you’ve perceived by noticing who exactly is worried about how the kids will get to all of their activities and is making that happen, are NOT the kids.
The biggest problem I see with our world is that it is built upon the notion that the male reality is the correct, or at least only valuable, one, and women either opt in or opt out of that male paradigm. Why is it that way?
And the cost to the woman is high, high, high, if she opts out! It’s not just your loss of income now, but the loss you will feel in the future in your reduced retirement savings, and lack of pension plan.
The alternative though is hardly better for a mother. Opting-in means handing your children over to someone else to raise during most of their waking hours. Any mother who thinks she can send her child off somewhere else for 12 hours a day and not lose something in that is fooling herself.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted…You Don’t Have to Go Through Menopause Alone
Great article Kim. I can totally relate. One of the reasons I keep my CPA license current (80 hours of painful continuing education every two years) is so I can say I’m a CPA when introducing myself to a group. It also looks good underneath my name on the list of Board members rather than “Community Volunteer” or “Civic Leader” that is code for “not employed”. If pressed, I will say “I’m home with my kids right now”. I always say “right now” to emphasize that this is temporary and soon I’ll be back to using my education to climb the almighty corporate ladder rather than using it to be the treasurer of the latest school fundraiser. I also never say “stay-at-home-mom”. I can’t quite say those words yet.
This issue never seems to go away. Back in the day, it was expected that we all go to college. I did, for a bit. Then I had my first child when I was 19. My husband went to graduate school so I worked at the telephone company to support us. The hours were erratic so we had only the occasional babysitter, then, as my hours became more steady, we had daycare for a while. I had my second child at 22, and shortly after my own SAHM-identity crisis kicked in. All my high school friends were graduating from college with teaching, pre-med, and nursing degrees. One friend had an all-white apartment! They all avoided me like the plague. I was on the SAHM-track going nowhere fast. I will never forget that feeling. I felt inadequate, I had low self-esteem, I took up every craft going and spent a lot of time at the library with the kids. I had the occasional part-time job. It wasn’t worth it for me to work, without a college degree, and pay a babysitter and have more taxable income. I had my third child, surprise!, when I was 29. We needed a bigger house. We needed two incomes to afford a single-family home, so, after 14 years of being home with my children, off I went to work – I’m still working 27 years later. My kids turned out OK! They said I was the coolest mom. I still look back on that time at home with nostalgia and would do it again in a heartbeat.
I am Kim’s mom.
I always knew that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I didn’t leave a huge career in order to do that. At the same time, like you, I have a problem saying I’m “just” a mom. I think part of it is simply the way our society today views mothers… but moms are hardest working people on the planet!!! 🙂 I like the fact that, like you, I can make a bit of money by writing and blogging so that supplements my husband’s income. When it’s time to go back to work, then I guess I’ll hope that some of my skills as a mom (multi-tasking???) apply to a new job. A friend of mine just returned to the workforce after five or six years as a mom, and she’s now rocking several new jobs. She’s been a go-getter and very creative about work, though, so she’s done well. 🙂
Bonnie Way recently posted…Biking with Kids (Write Mama Blog Hop Vol. 19)
You made me think about those day when I was a stay-at-home mom. It was just the beginning of women leaving children and entering the workforce in large numbers. I had women to talk to for the first few years and then it became a very lonely life.
Thank for the food for thought…I even wrote a post about that life from my perspective.
b+
http://www.retireinstyleblog.com/2013/08/stay-at-home-motherhood-in-rearview.html
b+ recently posted…Buy a House with Your IRA? Secrets No One Told You About
I’ve always wanted to be “just” a Stay-at-Home mom so there was really never any question for me–when I figured out that I could be a Work at Home mom and have everything I’ve ever wanted *and* bring in a little bacon to boot well then I was just ecstatic! Moments with are children are so fast and so fleeting–if we do have the choice why would we give that up??!! Hang in there–you’re not just a anything–you’re a work from home mom, one of those brave women who is choosing to embrace the best of both worlds!
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There’s no easy answer to a woman’s role once she has children. Whatever she does will have pros and cons and will be judged by others.
I try hard not to let myself feel defined by a label.
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Wow, you really go deep here Kim. I think some people look at the term “stay-at-home mom” the same way they do the term “secretary”. When they hear the words they automatically think they know who you are as a person and know how you spend your time. Labels stink.
As you point out, every mother has her story, and it is deep, dynamic, and powerful. Rock on.
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Thanks for this fabulous post. I too read that article and have been thinking about it since… I think I may have to write about it also, after reading your post!
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I loved you article! After 10 years as a full time professional, I opted out as well to devote my full attention to the family. Many of my friends could do “the juggle” as I call it, however, I was just always dropping balls. As my two daughters entered school I was able to keep my big toe in the professional pond so to speak, on a very limited part time basis. It helped me learn the mushrooming technology and advances in my field. Primarily though, I am a stay at home mom. My husband and I were paired up with another two men on the golf course on a week-end get away, and I was asked THE QUESTION, “What do you do?” Stay at home mom is such an inadequate answer! It implies, by name, that I am in my house with children! Most “stay at home moms” are not home a whole lot. We are in the car a lot, in the community a lot, at the schools some, as well as gyms and meetings….the list goes on ad infinitum. I actually came home and wrote an official job description for what I had done for the last 18 years; it was four pages long. I started looking for a job about six months ago, anticipating my youngest going to college this fall, and have been, terrified, excited and everything in between. So far, no luck. Seems there hasn’t been much interest in my resume, even for jobs that I considered myself over qualified for! I feel sure that if I keep rowing the boat, I’ll eventually land onshore, but sometimes I get discouraged. Would I go back and change my decision to “opt out”? Not on your life. However, I’m anxious to start the sequel (next chapter/next season)but it is painfully slow in production!
“Just a mom” – we need to ditch that phrase, don’t we? It truly is one of the hardest jobs in the world.
For me (stay-at-home mom/breadwinner), I have to continually NOT focus on and envy what other people have. I tend to get caught up in “man, those people have so much money, such a gorgeous house, no financial worries, yada yada.” And that road just gets me nowhere fast.
Instead, I try to remember the words from that old hymn: “Count your many blessings, name them one by one.” And remember to do that every day. This life, here in northern Michigan with my awesome family and beautiful setting – this is my amazing life.
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I have sidestepped this whole issue by never marrying and having kids, so don’t know that I have any say. Except that I agree with Vaneeta that you are (among many other things) making an important contribution to our society. It is unfortunate that as a society, we do not value that contribution more, in concrete ways ( i.e. affordable and high quality daycare, placing more value on and making it easier for moms returning to the workforce), and in the less tangible ways, too- like just honoring in our conversations the contribution you are making.
I just found this article and want to say thank you for writing what has been on my heart for years. I have been part time, no time, and recently back to full time. However, with kids that range in ages from 4-13, my choice to return full time to teaching just does not feel right. I am torn between a great full time salary and the extra money that looks great on paper and the hollow, stomach turning feeling I get when I finally pick all my kids up from aftercare and arrive home between 5:30 and 6. I am not really present with my kids each day, but rather just surviving and making it to the next day of rush, rush, rush. Thank you for validating what my gut has felt since late July, when the new school year began-I should be at home with my girls, because I can’t get that time back. There will always be some kind of job when it is time for me to return to working outside my home. Beautifully written article.
I want to be a stay at home wife and mom but my fiancé doesn’t make enough money yet. I am an attorney and hate the workforce.
Economy was weak when I left workforce. I was underemployed, so staying home with my new baby wasn’t the hardest choice to make. I went on to have three more kids. I have led many volunteer organizations and worked a lot, for free. I know how difficult it would have been to work w/ four kids and we were fortunate not to need a second income. However, I feel I have missed something, never having had a professional life. But as the author of the article expresses, it is not possible to do both, be a full time mother, and a full time professional. So you make a choice, and reconcile yourself to the consequences as best you can.
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Thanks for this article. I chose to be a SAHM as my husband’s career took off I loved volunteering in the classrooms and loved that I never felt I “missed anything” as the kids were growing.
The downfall is that my husband left after 18 years (never saw it coming). He claimed he just didn’t want to be a father and husband anymore. Of course, I found out about a married coworker he was involved with later on.
I am working in retail now. I lost my health insurance, our home and, frankly, my identity. I worry about my finances every day. I am 50 years old and my future looks pretty bleak.
I’m not really sure what my message is other than to say if I could do it again, I would have used those years when the kids were little to go to school. My ex has a new house, 2 cars, a boat and luxury vacations. The woman he left me for is still married and was promoted from payroll into his sales department as a manager last year. I am waiting for karma to kick in.
Oh, honey. Karma is sure to come back to that guy, indeed. Your story is shared by so many women, and it infuriates me that this happens.
I would like to know the REAL number of stay-at-home-moms out there…
I guess I am one… But ‘at home’ implies (to me) soap operas and bon-bons. That’s not me. I am up early and finshed late… No time for bon-bons. I too euphemistically ‘work from home’. For those I tell that too, I am avoiding the longer explanation… Telling them how interesting my life is. I don’t want them to feel bad, and I have tired of stories of someone they knew who… (cue dire tale).
In all seriousness, i had a career. Then I had a business. Mommy-dom was never on the radar, or (so I had been told) even medically possible for me. Perfect. Type-A, driven, productive… But I was feeling ‘under-dimensional’. I always volunteered, always worked long hours, always networked… Then I crashed. I moved far away and began at a more relaxed pace. It was nice to hear my own thoughts. I started my business again… Wrote a lot… Had many successes…
Met my husband… Got (shockingly) pregnant at 38…
What do I know now that I didn’t know then? That I am a harder worker now -even when I am not getting paid. That being a mother is the most rewarding, fantastic ‘job’ – but I truly had no idea how hard it would be, or how easy! That I COULD be a good mom. That I was not at all like my own mother despite fears to the contrary. Being a ‘supermom’ was never my goal or aspiration… And yet?
Being a mom is a miracle I am amazed by each day. My daughter is wonderful, healthy, smart, funny, compassionate… I really know her and like her. I make time for her, and for our family. I taught her to read, to spell, to do algebra, to read maps … All the while life marched on… we moved, renovated, traveled. I still feel some frusteration at not having enough ‘me’ time, but I am the one who schedules everyone… So that’s on me! I can DIY renovate a bathroom; demolition to completion, take breaks to help my homeschooled daughter with her advanced math, start dinner on time spend time with my husband, and start again the next day… Our life isn’t scripted. It isn’t like anyone elses. It is different this week than it was last week. This last decade has seldom been ‘easy’, often exhausting… But I have been more callenged, accomplished more and been happier than I ever was before. I think that all mothers/women are complex creatures. We are capable of anything, even if we never realize that. But we should never doubt our hearts and minds… Change doesn’t always equa sacrifice, and – I have found – today’s sacrifice can become tomorrow’s blessing.
That being said, I am still not inclined to race down the street proclaiming my SAHM status. No, I am not ashamed… I am so multi-dimensional now that no acronym can contain me! I am a daughter, a wife, a friend, a mother, a volunteer, a writer, a mentor, a teacher, a chauffeur, an artist, a designer, a builder, a decorator, a personal home assistant, a teammate, a life coach, an anything coach, a gardener, a chef, an accountant, a collector, a tourist, a student, a neighbour (cdn. Sp.), an editor, a computer repair genius, a historian, a singer, a piano teacher, a nurse as needed, a costume designer, an actor, a hostess, a baker, a librarian… I am a woman. I am me. I like me. If you’ve never met me, take the time to get to know me… Because no job title in the world will tell you about who a person is. Finis.
Wow. What YOU said, Anne! Thank you for sharing!
That was insulting to some people who ACTUALLY do those jobs. I understand your meaning, but you’ve overblown it.
Thank you, KTP. (virtual bow).
Disclaimer: Re-reading my earlier comments I would only add that the two parts of my life I have commented on are just two chapters of many, many chapters (incarnations) and are not intended as advice – only (hopefully) insight. As humans we are all capable of being many things, or filling many roles. If we are lucky we will eventually find our way to the paths that lead to our happiness, or find the happiness on the path we didn’t intend. However, finding one path does not mean we won’t wonder about the ‘roads not taken’, nor does it mean we will always be on the same path going forward. We evolve… Adjust to suit change… On purpose or under duress.
As women we may give birth to life… Another life full of new potential; a miracle in itself that awards us (flawed mortals) the awesome responsibility of motherhood. Wow, indeed!
Kim, I agree with you in that SAHMs must value their work in something other than dollars. In addition to that I would like to add that if you don’t have friends that have the same value system, get some new friends that do value what you do.
To those moms (or dads) who also want to contribute to the income of the household while staying at home, I must share what works for me. They pay every single Friday. http://4WeeklyChecks.com
Thanks again Kim. Looking forward to more!
Thank you for your article. You just described my life to a T. The best and most rewarding job to me is being a mom.
Every mom and single woman has a story. Ahhhh the choices we make! Noone ever mentions leaving careers and following their husbands moving to different states! I am here to tell you there is no right way. The right way it what works for you and your family, however that plays out so you can raise good kids, keep your health in mind without doing fast food 5 days a week, keep your sanity and your marriage in place while climbing the corporate ladder. I was in business in NYC for 12 yrs single and then got married in my mid 30’s to start a family. Three kids and a miscarriage from 34- 40. Yes, I stayed at home as we moved from NY NJ to Atlanta then to North Florida for my husbands career. I was a dynamite mom. Homework, soccer, football, singing dance ect….. Keeping kids in line. They are 19, 17, 13. One off to college back to NJ.
Well….. our train came off the track in Jan 2014, my husband lost his job and the career he is in has pulled out of florida due to Gov Rick Scott and recent legislative changes in the Petroleum restoration business.
He is a professional Hydrogeologist. A PG. Worked on contamination of water in the underground with much work done with the EPA. The state has reorganized and stopped work. Many people have lost jobs and are closing shop here. 9 months unemployed and underemployed. Not pretty. I have a background in marketing/sales from NYC and really have not worked full time in 19 yrs. The salaries here in Florida are what I made in my 20’s wages are 10- 15 and hour. Unemployment a total of 4400.
These are tough times. I am younger in my looks, talented and not willing to work for 25,000 a year starting all over. Been there done that. Now we are contemplating starting our own business but that aint no walk in the park either……
For all you women out there who are staying at home and live in your community without moving…. My advice is to do something create your resume while you are raising your kids- Everything you do in volunteering school functions whatever make it work for your resume- keep yourself plugged in and God forbid if you move like I did a few times keep your skills up or it can be devastating especially with Health insurance taking a big chunk out of your monthy expenses…..
Rock on…… Thank for all your stories.
i have been a stay at home mom for 23 years, the mother of 4 boys ranging in age from 15 to 23. I don’t regret one minute of all the time I spent with my children. My kids played every sport imaginable and I went to all of their games, I volunteered at their schools, helped with all their school parties, and everything else that stay at home moms do. And yes I get that condescending attitude from many people who don’t value what I do, but my family has always appreciated and loved me and thanked me for the things I do for them, and I am happy knowing I have raised the 4 greatest boys that anyone could ask for. I still go to high school and college games to watch my kids and volunteer at the high school where my younger 2 attend but I do have more time on my hands now and I have thought About going back to work to help pay for college. Unfortunately there isn’t much demand for a woman who has an English degree and hasn’t worked in 23 years and frankly I didn’t have a great career before I quit to have my children. I feel sorry for the women who have so much regrets about staying home with their kids. Even if I never get back in the work force I can’t regret being a stay at home mom, I found it very fulfilling and I made great friends along the way with other stay at home moms.
Hi,
You can have it all, I have a PhD, masters and degree, was a senior lecturer in UK but now work self employed as a freelance writer and homeschool my three kids (7, 4 and 2) have 4 kids at uni too. I’m single since pregnant with last baby, no help from dads, rent a home and own a 6-berth motor home that we travel in and work/study in as much as possible. I earn more than most two parent families, have great fun and kids that truly love learning! No school can really teach kids how to build the life they truly desire only how to conform to a life that mostly doesn’t fullfill them! Homeschooling and experience can do that x
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