This was an original post for LA Moms Blog on August 8, 2008. Sadly, the SV Moms Group has shut ‘er down, so I’ll be posting my archives here every Friday.
The universe is trying to tell me something.
I have a three-year-old boy, Kyle. He is actually three-and-one-third, which is not a useless distinction. The phases that he goes through with lightning speed serve to clearly delineate his age and emotional development.
We had our second baby when he was two. He was nonplussed – I could have given birth to a watermelon and he would not have reacted differently. Well, he might have enjoyed eating a watermelon. But it took a very long time for him to show signs of jealousy. Any acting out he displayed could have been chalked up to New Baby Brother, Lots of Visitors, or simply, Being Two.
My husband and I continue our discipline methods as we have done all along: we put him in time-out, sometimes over and over again, we take away fun toys or privileges, we even spank when necessary, and we try to be as consistent as we can. It’s not always easy or possible, but I think we’ve been on a steady course.
Lately, though, Kyle’s defiance, stubbornness, and flat-out ballsy backtalk have become staggering in their intensity and frequency. At the same time, I am getting messages from the universe about how to deal with discipline. Here’s what the universe has sent me in the last week alone:
-The book Your Three-Year Old: Friend or Enemy? by Louise Bates Ames. It was recommended by a friend months ago, and on a whim I put it on hold at my local library. Last week I got an email notification that the book was ready for me to pick up. I’ve read a few chapters and already love the take-home message: Age three sucks, and you should get a babysitter as much as possible.
-A newspaper article emailed to me by mother, titled “Yale prof and the finer points of a child’s Timeout.” (Two asides: whose mother doesn’t email “useful” articles? Also, I think it’s amusing that the newspaper chose to capitalize “Timeout,” as if it were a person or a brand-name.) In the article, Alan Kazdin, a Yale professor of psychology and expert on raising children, points out that more powerful than the timeout or any form of punishment is the art of positive reinforcement. I do like the way he advocates positive language: for example, to talk about a child’s actions as right or wrong vs. calling him “good” or “bad.” I’ve always thought that telling my son that he’s being a bad boy is a surefire way to give him a complex as he grows older. But mostly this article sounds like the same-old same-old, and I would like to invite Kazdin to come live at my house and see if his methods would work on my kids. In return, I’ll blog nicer things about him. That’s all I can offer.
–Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s radio show on Oprah & Friends (XM Radio). I was at the dentist’s office yesterday getting my old fillings replaced with the new white stuff. I am a huge baby about dental work, usually preferring to pay close attention to what the dentist is doing throughout the process while digging one thumbnail into the opposite thumb and staring wide-eyed up into her goggles This time I tried the headphones. They are wireless headphones hooked up to a computer that broadcasts the entire XM lineup. I didn’t have my glasses on, so I picked the only word I recognized: Oprah. Wouldn’t you know, it was Rabbi Shmuley’s call-in show, and the topic of the day was “The Power of No.” As my teeth were drilled, I learned that what we are doing is RIGHT, and that it will EVENTUALLY WORK as long as we are CONSISTENT. Also, I learned that there is no excuse for a child’s disrespect toward his parents or other adults. So when Kyle is in Timeout and sticks his head out of his room, yells “I’M SICK OF THIS CRAP!” and slams the door, I should probably do something about it.
I’m not really sure what the universe is trying to tell me. One thing I know is that I cannot be blamed for wanting to spend as little time as possible with Kyle’s bratty side; however, the more time I spend with him while also calling on the deepest wells of restraint and patience that I can reach, the more his sweet, engaging, curious, delightful side comes out. And when he suddenly switches from that personality into the one who pushes his brother, demands a cup of juice, and then screams and hits me because I say “no,” I have to stick to my guns and have faith that this, too, shall pass.
Present-day Ed note: ASK ME IF IT PASSED. GO AHEAD, I DARE YOU!
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