HOP Book Review of Project: Happily Ever After

Note:  Instead of just saying “This is book is SO GOOD you guys!” which is how I really feel about it, I finally went ahead and wrote a proper review.

Alisa Bowman has a marriage that is similar to mine.  Her husband is not super touchy-feely, not a man of many words, and rarely gets sad or emotional.  Everything is fine with him, while she is a mercurial writer-type.  He is interested in sports and bicycles!  She loves wine and writing and connecting with people.

When she had her baby, Alisa had a hard time getting support from her husband because of his natural obliviousness and her own difficulty asking for help.  This is one of the reasons they grew apart and wound up terribly distant from each other, to the point at which Alisa was writing a novel about it and planning her husband’s funeral, complete with eulogy, because she was so unhappy.

Instead of getting divorced, she got real with herself.  Bowman gave herself four months to fix her marriage, using techniques she read about in marriage self-help books.  She forced herself to ask for help, to talk to her husband, to treat him the way she would treat him if she were happy.  She calls that time period “Project:  Happily Ever After,” which is the title of her book.

That is also the title of her blog, which I came across about 18 months ago.  It just might be the second blog I’ve ever actually subscribed to (second only to Nanny Goats in Panties, which is a very big compliment.  To both of them.).  Once in a while I am tempted to click through and comment on Bowman’s incredibly forthcoming posts about things her husband did or said, or ways she herself dealt with jealousy or discomfort or challenges with her headstrong daughter.  Quite often, she looks inside herself to ask “How can I be better in this moment?  What can I do to embrace the other person’s blah blah…” and it all works out.  A far better woman than I, I often think.

Even though I sometimes left comments at PHEA, I didn’t think of myself as part of her community, so  I was a bit late in realizing that hey!  I should review her book on my blog!  Duh.  As a result I’m writing this a bit late in the game.  I read the book in 4 days straight right around Christmas.  I read much of it out loud to my husband during the evenings.  Especially the dirty parts.

You see, what I love about Alisa’s blog and her book is that it’s all written with such a vivid voice that I can imagine her sitting here having a glass of wine with me, leaning in close and saying something like “Pubes?  Those are no problem.  I find the full Brazilian makes me love my girl parts.”  But that is just conjecture, of course.

“Project:  Happily Ever After,” the book, fills in all the gaps in my understanding of Alisa as a marriage blogger.  After dutifully reading her blog posts all this time, it was nice for me to learn the back story.  She is a wonderfully descriptive writer who has a talent for dialogue, and the whole thing moves very quickly, especially if the subject matter is dear to your heart.

If there’s anything that disappointed me in the book, it was that I couldn’t reach through it and smack her husband around for being such an obtuse dolt during Bowman’s early motherhood.  I know that she should have asked for more help, spoken up for her needs, blah blah, but the whole idea of a father not wanting to help out his clearly bedraggled wife pisses me right off.  I remember one night when Kyle was brand new and Stewart rushed out of the house to go drink beer with his pals, leaving me weeping and raw.  He arrived home earlier than he had said he would with a take-out box.  “I brought you some molten chocolate cake,” he said, apologetically, as if chocolate could make up for his transgression.

It kind of did.

The point is, yes, you have to speak up for your needs, but your spouse has to be receptive, too.  I know that night Stewart was scared of his postpartum wife and tiny screaming baby because he didn’t know what he could do to help.  I know he felt bad leaving me alone.  I know that all now.

I suppose when things like that happen I can breathe deeply and think “How can I learn from this moment?” but I’m not Alisa Bowman.  That’s what she’s here for.