Buttman (…or -woman)

Someone asked me recently what superhero power I would have if I could have one. Oh yeah, it was actually during Moms’ Night Out – 8 of us went to Maggiano’s and ate family style which is way too much food and one of them brought this little “Girls’ Night Out” game, I kid you not, which was just like Jenga except it had little questions printed on each of the blocks, questions like “What was your most embarrassing moment?” and “Have you ever gotten into trouble with the police?” I will not share my answers to those questions with you here and now but stay tuned because you never know. But of course the question about the superhero power came up and I really couldn’t think of one besides “flying” but that seemed like a cop-out.

I finally figured out the answer when I was sitting in traffic yesterday and watched as I saw a woman flick a cigarette butt out of her car for the 40 hundred thousandth time. Every time I see somebody do that I want to ram my car into their car at top speed and say “take THAT, rack-hole!” (This is a variation on “rackafracka” and an attempt to curb my incessant swearing. It’s a constant struggle, as you can see. This morning I stubbed three toes on my left foot and was unable to stop the swearing.)

So wouldn’t it be great if there was a superhero who could swoop down and chastise the butt-flickers every time one of them flicked a butt? The superhero would make them EAT the butt and remind them that life would be oh so much easier for them if they would simply throw it away in a garbage can or in the ashtray that comes standard in your beatup old Subaru, dummy. But the sad thing is, the butt-flickers drive every sort of car, and I’ve definitely seen some butts being flicked out of limousines. Class does not accompany money automatically.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Oscar-related Asshat of the Week. I hope the nominees are rehearsing their acceptance speeches.