Eleven years ago dreamed and schemed for a way to move to Southern California. I fantasized, journaled, and listed all the ways it could happen. Eventually, I packed my bags and my mom and drove out here to live with (Auntie) (Doctor) Lisa in a great apartment in Pasadena with a view of the mountains.
I was at times scared, lonely, or homesick, but always excited and full of adventure, which is what propelled me through those first few years in which I didn’t have many local friends or a loyal hair stylist. (I will scan my “Rachel” hairdo for you some other time). A few years into my L.A. residence, the adventure part faded and the crowded, sick of traffic, sick of Hollywood side of me started to emerge. It doesn’t help that when you work at a cable entertainment network then Hollywood should have been your major in college. Now that I have a child, my homesickness has taken over, and I yearn for my extended family and the way of life they can provide my child(ren).
I held the homesickness at bay as much as I could, but eventually I had to admit to myself, had to be TRUE to myself, that I really do want to move back home. This is not admitting defeat or failure in any way. After all, I came to Los Angeles to seek my fame and fortune, and I always knew I was destined for a great love. As for fortune and as for fame – well, they were invited but what I got was a handful of blog readers and a house in the valley. It’s okay by me. And the great love that I thought would be a whirlwind, worldwide romance turns out to be the overwhelming paralyzing love for my husband and son. Who knew?
I guess I could have found all of those things anywhere, but it’s here in gridlocked L.A. that I grew up and grew my thick skin. Now Kyle has disarmed me and made me stronger – I am vulnerable yet ferociously protective of him. I am easily moved to puddles of tears, yet I will argue with a complete stranger in defense of motherhood and my child. (Okay, I never had trouble arguing with strangers before, but bear with me.)
I finally told Stewart that I want to move. For a long time I held back and said I would settle for somewhere on the East Coast where he could surf and sail and it would be warm. But that isn’t enough. I want to be within a short drive of Gramma and Grampa’s house, the beach where I grew up, and the great-grandparents and the many aunts and uncles Kyle et al. will have. I want that life for him, because I had it, and it was so great.
I find it hard to connect with the younger me who wanted to leave it all so badly. But I am so glad she did it, because look what I got!
Anyway the point is, no, we’re not moving, at least not yet. We have a five year plan.
I really liked this post. And, while I haven’t lived in NYC for 11 years like you’ve been in CA, I could definitely relate to your feelings of adventure vs. home feelings!
I know exactly what you’re talking about. Two weeks back east for Christmas in 2004 cured me, at least for a while.
Five years from when?
I totally understand your feelings. At times I love where I live (apart from heat and hurricanes and tourists). At other times all I want is to move to the mountains of North Carolina. But our families are here. And so with our little one we cannot leave. It is too important to all of us that she have that.
I know how your heart feels. 🙂
I moved to Southern California right after High School. It was a dream I had since I was about 4 years old and drew my first airplane on a piece of paper with a crayon and asked my Mom how to spell C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a.
A few years later, 7 months pregnant, my husband and I boarded the plane to fly back to Riverside/Moreno Valley after a quick trip ‘home’ and I couldn’t stop the tears. All I wanted to do was move back to the midwest, where everything was clean, and green and fresh.
By the time BabyGirl was 5 months old we were moving to Nashville, Tennessee. Clean, green and fresh. 🙂
Southern Cali is great, but when it came time to raise my babies I knew it wasn’t the place for me anymore.
Awww, you made me teary, and then I thought you were going to announce that you were moving home. But, yaaaay, 5 years is good! I can’t wait!
I am glad that you came out here and we did have fun in our little condo in Pasadena- remember hiking with pancakes, the map is wrong, nights at Crown City etc. etc.
I don’t want you guys to go back to the Connecticut, but I understand- look I came home didn’t I.
Can’t wait fo rnext week I’m counting down the days.
I can relate to your feelings of wanting to be near family for your children. I want my future children to have the love and frequent interaction of extended family!
I’ll chime in with the crowd here.. I want to move back to Jersey near the beach and have our little family live next door to my mom forever. Fab is very entrenched in the arts community up here. But his best friend lives in NYC, and from time to time I engage in some subtle campaiging. If I had your mom, I’d want to move back home, too. She’s a gem. Oh, and your dad & sis, too!