How does she do it?
This morning I got an email from a friend who is also a writer I work with on one of my freelance gigs. Beset by personal issues that took her away from her assignment, she was flustered. She asked me how I “do it.” And since my kids are older, and therefore theoretically easier to work a schedule around, how I did it, when they were younger.
That question threw me off. I was never aware that I actually was doing anything. Yes, there were professional triumphs along the way, but mostly I focused on the challenges, and how swamped and busy I was, and how guilty I felt when I was working too much, or how irresponsible I felt if my personal life made me miss a deadline or just half-ass it at work.
I don’t know of any mother who hasn’t felt this way if she also handles non-family obligations like work or volunteer projects. I think I might be more susceptible to guilt because I have always been so hard on myself in general.
It’s easier to answer this question when I think about my current state of affairs. Both my parenting and my work have had to take a bit of a backseat lately because I am full speed ahead on my healing process (longtime issues with my lower back). There are days when I am tired, sore, or both, and I just can’t play with the kids or sit at my desk or even stay awake. Leftover energy goes first to my family, and then to my work. The payoff, I trust, will be that someday soon I will not be in continuous pain or fatigue. I’ll be more active and mobile. I’ll be more positive. I’ll be a better example. A better wife, mother, writer, editor, friend, daughter, etc.
But for now my priorities are very clear: I make time three times a day for my stretching an exercise. I don’t lift heavy things or play roughly with the kids. I don’t sit at my desk for too long and risk a sore back. Twice a week I take at least 3 hours out of my day to drive to the west side of town for treatment and training and massage. (Don’t get all whiny – it’s the kind of massage that hurts and makes me think deeply. It’s not a bad thing, but I wouldn’t call it luxurious.)
When I look back on the years of juggling motherhood and everything else since I started parenting in April of 2005, I see the waxing and waning of different priorities. When the kids were newborns, it was all about them and my boobs. (Just sayin’.) Everything else suffered. And then there were new jobs, or potty training, or preschool, or behavioral issues, or a death in the family, or any number of life’s hiccups that need serious attention.
And so you adjust. Whether you do it kicking and screaming or you face it with a smile, you still have to do it. What other choice is there?
I know that my friend wanted to know specifically how I was able to complete freelance assignments while also being a stay at home mom full time when the kids were younger. The answer can be as simple as “Armenian home-based daycare,” or as complicated as “deep breathing, yoga, frequent stretching, and vodka.”
But the real answer that is true for me is that at those moments, I prioritized those assignments. As the saying goes, “you make time for what’s important.” Freelance work gets a moment in my life at a time. My family gets my lifetime.
Kim,
After the whole deal with my aneurysm was over, my doctor complimented me on how well I handled it. And I said some version of “And so you adjust. Whether you do it kicking and screaming or you face it with a smile, you still have to do it. What other choice is there?” He responded that he had had plenty of patients who saw a choice to give up or in or be a complete pain in the ass, etc etc. I think that “what other choice is there…” is a function of the way we have chosen to face life–and it is a choice.xxoo J.