I thought I’d seen it all, but then last night I saw a video clip of a woman delivering a placenta.
We were at our first Childbirthing Class, where someone teaches you how to give birth to a child, presumably. Including us there were 10 couples, all very nice people. Two of the other women had had children before, and they were there for a “refresher.” The couple sitting to my right had a cold – she was sniffling and he was coughing. I think I feel a bit sniffly today now. But it could be the RAIN. Did I mention how much it’s been raining?
Anyway, the instructor played a video and she gave it a brief introduction and it seemed pretty innocuous – no mention of Live Birth, etc. But then smack in the middle of the tape, without warning or buildup – HELLO there’s a baby’s head coming out of a woman’s vagina. Okay, I’ve seen this before in biology class, I’ve been watching A Baby Story every day for a month, I can handle that.
But then they showed a giant black blood-filled bag sliding out of said hole! The doctor caught it in a dishpan and SHOWED it to the happy mother who lay on the gurney fondling her new baby. She seemed INTERESTED in it! I actually groaned “Oh. My. God.” and a few people chuckled. Sorry, but I’ve never seen this before – and who needs to see it!? It’s DISGUSTING.
I’m sure I won’t be enduring such crudities. My birth will be bloodless, mucousless, poopless, and clean. I will be serene and graceful and will not grip my husband’s balls in a fist of death. My baby will come out freshly scrubbed and smiling.
Kim, I have just sat and read through your entire blog and have laughed so hard I feared blood would shoot from my nose. It seems the Tracy sarcasm and wit has been honed razor thin by your…”condition.” Save Toby is being forwarded to EVERYONE on my email list, and I sent the Shizzolator out to many a friend, who enjoyed much hilarity in reading your blog as told by Snoop.
Oh yeah, having been around for a number of births (to anyone else reading this, none of them having anything to do with ME) let Stewart know that when hand holding time comes, use the non-dominant hand. He might need to sign something later. And for you, don’t look down when the time comes. Plenty of people will hand the kid to you after he’s been wiped down.
This was your best entry yet… I wish you the best of luck with your “perfect” birth. Seriourly, I hope that it all goes smoothly and you have no problems or complications.
bye,
care