Last night’s adventure at baby class: a video about breastfeeding.
In the video, the women who had just given birth to these little suckers were only briefly shown – at least, their faces were only briefly shown. The rest of the time was focused on their breasts – alone or with a baby attached to one of them.
The video basically made it look like a woman exists merely to have her boobs expand 1,000-fold during the months after childbirth, in order to constantly feed the hungry little suckling who seems so innocent, but can cause CLOGGED MILK DUCTS or SORE and CRACKED NIPPLES. I swear the babies looked and acted like newborn pigs.
Our instructor, Charlene, increased the horror and discomfort later in the class when she introduced the “pushing lessons.” I really hope there is no surveillance in our classroom, because that footage can definitely be used as blackmail.
Just imagine 10 couples on the floor. Each very pregnant and roly-poly woman sits a bit reclined, leaning on her partner, who then must support her as she spreads her legs and lifts them up into the air. She inhales and holds her breath while her partner counts down from 10 ever…so…slowly. She does this three times and then is allowed to let her legs down.
Whether or not there is a partner behind her, the woman is basically balancing on her tailbone, trying to squish her entire body, including its 25-40 pounds of extra weight, into a tight little ball, while holding her already-difficult-to-obtain breath.
“Believe me, ladies,” said Charlene, “it’s much easier to do this in the labor room.” Great. Bring it on.
I hate to tell you this but the video got it right… for the first few weeks, anyway!