For every victory, there are a thousand small failures. For every step forward I take, I get a push backward.
I was Good Mom in my last post, and this morning I was Terrible Mom.
It started when Kyle burst into our room at 6:30AM. Mind you, I haven’t woken up feeling refreshed, not one time, since I spent the night at my Aunt Kathy’s house in CT back in January. All these days of cumulative sleep deprivation make Mama a cranky woman, especially when 40 pounds of child is poking her in the face. We managed to get him snuggled in between us and laying there quietly, but then, just a beat later, we heard “Dah! Dah! Dah!” coming from Brady’s room.
My clever strategy was to ignore them all and put my earplugs in. Stew got up with the baby, and Kyle lingered in our bed until I very harshly told him to “go away.” As he slid off the bed and padded into the kitchen my heart sank at my treatment of him. These are things that will stay with him for a long time. Why do I say things like this to him?
The morning went downhill from there.
Things were going okay as I clung to the few shreds of patience swirling around my brain. Then he refused to brush his teeth.
This is a common occurrence, and as such it should not have thrown me like it did. But sometimes his little acts of defiance trigger an eruption of fury inside me that comes with no warning and scares me even as I become angrier and angrier. The best I can do is grab the child, take him into his room, and slam the door. During this, he is frightened and confused. Even though he knows he is disobeying me and that his actions usually lead to some sort of discipline, Mommy’s severe and rough manhandling are disproportionate to the misbehavior that led to them.
As I shut the door, I saw the fear in his eyes. And yet, I could not quiet the fury. I went into my dark bedroom and sat on the bed, closed my eyes and took deep breaths and counted. To ten, then twenty, then thirty.
I brought Kyle out of his room to try again. At that moment, Brady knocked over a plant in my bedroom, spilling soil everywhere. That was all it took. I yelled at Kyle to brush his teeth as I ran for the baby and the plant. “NO!” he shouted. Where did he learn to shout like this? I wondered, ridiculously. I put the wailing baby into his crib, and got out the vacuum cleaner. I raised my voice even more “BRUSH YOUR TEETH!”
His eyes set in a steely glare, his eyebrows knitted into an angry furrow, Kyle used his entire body as he rose up against me in a defiant scream “NOOOOOOOO!!!”
And I lost my shit completely. I threw down the vacuum cleaner, scooped up the boy and brought him back to his room, all the while telling him the meanest things. “You’ll never leave this room again. You’ll grow old here. You won’t go to school, you’ll never learn to drive, you won’t even leave this room to go to college. If you don’t do what I say, you will never leave this room again.”
Slam.
Meanwhile, Stewart was in the shower.
I vacuumed up the mess and I sobbed as guilt and shame overwhelmed me. When Stewart got out of the shower, I announced to him that I was having a bad mothering moment, and I had no excuse or reason. He agreed. “You shouldn’t say things like that to him. He’s only three.”
I don’t know where those things come from. I become someone else, some injured, hateful, impatient hideous creature. I become The Other Mother. I forget what a cherished, beloved treasure my child is. How much I wanted him, how much I sacrificed for him. In an instant, that all goes away. And an instant later, it comes rushing back to me in a super sundae of guilt and regret topped with a heaping scoop of self-loathing.
They say becoming a parent brings out the best in people. Well, it obviously also brings out the worst in me.
Why would I even share this story with you? It’s my penance, my self-flogging. It’s also a retraction of yesterday’s post, in which I was a Good Mother. It can change on any given day.
oh boy do i feel you on this post! i have a 7 year old that just provokes and provokes, and i have lost my patience more times than i care to count. and then i wonder “why does she slam the door so often?!” ha! wonder where she gets THAT. at least you and i are both human enough to feel guilty about it afterwards. if you didn’t, then you’d have something to worry about. i’m glad you posted this so i know that everyday parents with biological children do this too!!!
I’ve been there more times than I care to admit. You’re still a good mom.
I hear you. Perhaps you are reflecting MY early mothering years?
There was a time when I was really scared enough to call my doctor. She advised taking B6 and I decided to take all the B supplements. Don’t know if I calmed down as the result of a placebo effect or if the B supplements were really helpful, especially during PMS. I do know that I felt MUCH better after talking to the dr. and there was never an incident again like the one that scared me.
You are good mom, but it sounds like you might be ready to actually take me up on that offered night of uninterrupted sleep at my house. (Of course, given the coyotes frequent appearances on my hillside and Sadie’s reaction to it- there is no real promise, but let me know when you want to come over
Oh Kim….you ARE a good mom. You are a HUMAN mom. We’ve ALL been there! The cool thing is you always get a brand new chance the next day and — miracle of miracles — the little buggers don’t hold grudges! Hang in there!
You are a terrific mom. I have to say, my mom had a terrible temper that didn’t show itself “every once in a while,” but rather was only kept at bay by the stars being aligned just so. I remember her getting frustrated a lot with me, but more than that I remember how much she hugged me and kissed me and loved me, and how much she gave me.
The important thing, I think, is not to avoid yelling at them, because that’s damn near impossible. The important thing is that there is more hugging and encouragement than yelling. And I know for certain that’s what it’s like in your house. You are a great mom because you are aware of everything you do, and how it affects your children, and even when you lose it, you get it back quickly and you can start over.
As Kyle grows up, he will have so many fantastic memories of what you did with him and for him that the other memories won’t matter. He will always know you love, cherish, and support him. And as grown-up children ourselves, what more do we ask for from our parents?
Oh Kim, Trust Me. It happens to all of us. The thing is you realize and try to move on past it.
B supplements, huh, MomHOP? (scribbling furiously)
I think feelings like this are normal, unless you feel like this a majority of the time or find yourself constantly flying off the handle.
Then I suggest a call to the dr.
Yep. Better living through chemistry. Worked for me!
Kim, you are a great mother! I only hope I can manage it as well as you have. It just sounds like you need a vacation, like a day at the spa or a VERY large drink. Kyle won’t remember any of this when he gets older, no worries 🙂
Oh, Kim! I have so been there, I’ve eaten many of those ‘super sundaes of guilt and regret’. We all lose it sometimes… it would be worse if that was the norm and you didn’t have the good mom moments, too.
It is true, though, that they learn from us. When my girls throw things in anger I am chastised… because I do that, and I have to remember not to do that in front of them.
But is is also important for them to know that it is OK to sometimes get angry, and yell, and share their feelings, too.
PS…
my girls never want to brush their teeth, and I recently found this training toothpase from Orajel… it is blue, they put it on their teeth and it stains their teeth blue, and then they have to brush until all the blue is gone. They love it.
Kim you are a good mom. You are human and you admit it. They know how to push your buttons. Hang in there!