Okay, yes, the reason I’m so into SJ is because the time is near for Stewart and me to consider procreating once again. Actually, we had decided long ago that we would start trying to have a second baby once Kyle turns 1. A few weeks ago, I suddenly realized that that means I could be pregnant again very soon. While my pregnancy was not among the worst I have heard about, it was still quite a challenge to my less-than-thrilled-with-pain-and-discomfort body.
Not to mention, you get a BABY at the end of it, which turns into a CHILD. With TEETH, and POOP, and MORE POOP. One has been plenty. But two? Double the fun, yet double the poop. And what about my family? It’s been so hard to be away from them during Kyle’s first year. Traveling to see them with Kyle in tow is a pain in the rear. Imagine me with two kids doing that.
I know lots of people have done this and they survive and they love their kids and they are not crazy. Yet. I am intrigued by their stories. You all know that the Blogs I Read are mostly about parenting and many of those parents whose stories I read have more than one child. When I found SJ, I decided I wanted to read her story from the very beginning so I could witness her transformation from childless, to mother of one, to mother of two. So, if you haven’t followed the link in my post below, let me just say that I have made it to the place in her story where she is starting to think about having a second baby and she put it out there into the universe.
Last night, for one brief shining moment, I felt Hot again. It was Mom’s Night Out, organized by my friend Karen, starting at 6:30. In my old life, nobody went out at 6:30. We all worked until at least 7pm, then worked out, then figured out where we were going, and eventually left around 9pm, returning home in the wee hours of the morning. Now, in the wee hours of the morning, my peers and I, we rise to greet the day and the hungry baby.
I reserved the evening for myself last week and reminded Stewart about it only 100 times. I was SO looking forward to it. When it came time to get ready to go out, I danced around in the bathroom with joy because my old jeans fit and I decided to wear them. They’re not the $200+ fancy jeans worn by the fashionably hip, but I love them so very, very much, and I missed them. So they made me happy. And then I decided to wear my $100 boots – which is not a lot of money for boots but I never spend more than $40 on one pair of shoes so these boots, which are very nice and were very much on sale when I bought them, make me happy. And then I did my hair and put on makeup and stuff and I felt very pretty and fun when I left the house.
On the way to the restaurant I realized the following things:
-the bra that I was wearing, which I bought when my boobs were wholly different from the way they are now, was chafing and completely inappropriate
-my fabulous jeans were cutting off circulation to my crotch
-my hair was frizzy
-my stomach hurt from eating 40 Hershey’s Kisses and a half a bag of blue nacho chips
-I am 34 years old
By the time I parked I was depressed and miserable and I didn’t even want to go in. On top of that, I was perfectly on time, which means I was the first one there of a planned 14 moms and I didn’t want to wait by myself like a loser. So I waited with the other losers at the bar with a gin and tonic until another mom showed up, let me spill my guts to her, and bought my drink for me. Thanks again, Isabelle, for brightening my mood and helping to pickle my liver.
I have been having a lot of these weirdly depressing episodes lately, and I can’t blame them entirely on homesickness, which is a big part of it. I don’t blame it on my new lifestyle, but I think that’s what it is. I have become that which I feared most: a housewife. While I have reconciled myself to the nobility of the choice to stay home and care for Kyle, I struggle with it every day in some small way – the relinquishing of my former self and all of her trappings.
I have told Stewart about how I’m feeling, and he reminds me that I am doing something constructive: “You’re raising our kid.” How simple and well-put. But I know that to be truly happy doing this, I have to snap out of my blues, because I hate feeling this way and I don’t want it to drag me down so that I can’t do my one job well. A lot of messages have been coming to me from The Universe that I need to live more in the moment (and that’s as metaphysical as I will get). Ha! I have been trying to do that my whole life. I am a world class Worrier, who plans for the worst that can happen, and is delighted when it doesn’t. Plus, I have lots of regrets about things I’ve left unfinished in my life, and I often dwell on them and feel inferior to my own ideal image of myself. So how does someone like me live in the moment? I guess that’s what I will work on.
Wah, wah, wah. Meanwhile, lots of bad stuff is happening to many other people all over the world. That doesn’t make me feel better, it only serves to make me more depressed.
The point of me telling you this is that I am really scared to get pregnant again so soon and to have another baby to cope with. Isn’t that a terrible attitude with which to conceive? I want to conceive with great anticipation and joy and suspense, not dread. Ask me about it tomorrow, maybe I’ll feel completely different.
Anyway, for those who are actually paying attention:
-Yoga was great. I am looking forward to going back. However, during shoulder stand, I was confronted by my new lumpy body. I did not recognize it. It was scary.
-The swimsuit did not fit. Are you even surprised? I am toying with the idea of keeping it as motivation to continue yoga and working out. It’s only 1 size too small. I hope.
–This is an asshat.
You are not alone…and you’re feeling perfectly normal. Do not pressure yourself and do not let others pressure you. Your body, your instincts, your spirit will tell you when you are ready. I was never lucky enough to plan, all 3 of you were suprises, but they were welcome suprises because cosmically or whatever…for me the time was right.
Your identity changes at each stage of your life and I learned my way much as you are doing now. It is hard. There’s a lot of self-pity in it and you come from a line of very dramatic people so that makes it more intense.
I’m not the wisest Mom in the world. There is so much more I could tell you about “identity crisis” in my own life, but not in a public forum.
I’m sure there are other Moms who can identify with you. So comment away Women and help make my baby feel like the confident, beautiful, loving woman we all know she is!
I think you’re beautiful, and in all the time I’ve known you, there has never been a doubt in my mind that you have the ability to do anything.
I hope you find the time is right for you eventually. You’re a wonderful mom, and Kyle will be a great big brother.
Where to start???
I’ve got two posts in the cooker that address two issues you mention: the missing of the old self and life with a second child.
Thank you for posting your conflicting thoughts. You’ve inspired me to finish my own stuff up and get it out there, as we need to share our experiences to build eachother up.
And you ARE beautiful, confident and talented. That’s not just your mom talking mom-talk to you. And your genes owe it to the world to pop out at least another one of those cute babes!
Why put a set time on when to have another baby! You have to be ready to have more kids. Kyle is still a baby and you not wanting to have two babies right now is completely understandable.
You are an incredibly beautiful person inside and out and I enjoy reading your thoughts and life.
You will know when you are ready and second guessing your choice to stay home sounds normal. I dont have babies but know lots of woman that do. They work outside the home and work at home. You have the most important job in the world and have to remember that when you think it is only one job it is isnt just one! (just remember when you think it is only 1 it isnt you are a mom, a wife, a cook, a cleaning woman, a nurse, a friend, and so much more)
I don’t have kids either — I’m not even married! But there are times now when I think about the kind of questions you’re asking yourself…but then I get “out” of it b/c well, see above.
My brother & I are almost 6 years apart & my Mom stayed home with us. My brother & I have been best pals since the day he came home from the hospital – partly I think b/c of the age difference – so having kids farther apart isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
As for staying home with Kyle, I can see how it might start feeling so suburban (to quote SJ) but you are lucky to have this time with him. Before you know it, he’ll be packing his bags for college — and you’ll look at him & see all the hard work, time, & effort you put into the most important job you’ll ever have paid off.
For what it’s worth, that’s my two-cents.
Also, I’ve never met you in person, but you seem like a very funny, sincere, amazing person…which I am sure is true.
I definitely know why we’re friends! I told Charlie he has to read this post. He never believes that you can worry or be crazy like me.
Two kids is definitely hard. Darcee kept telling me it was like going from 1 to 10 kids. I think she’s right. Add going back to work and ugh! Staying home and being a housewife sounds great.
However, it is definitely wonderful and all very worthwhile.
Call me for the full list of pros and cons of having your kids closer in age. I think I wish mine were a little closer.
P.S. I think you’re beautiful! But if it makes you feel better I feel pretty ugly too! I have to shower at night so I have time to get everyone ready in the morning so I have about 5 seconds to get ready. My husband on the other hand has plenty of time to primp. I guess I’d better not send him this link. 🙂
Just in case you didn’t know, I’m your biggest fan. Everything you’ve ever done, any challenge you’ve ever faced has left me with this overwhelming feeling that I am the luckiest little sister on the planet. Kyle will be a great big brother someday, whether its tomarrow or 10 years from now. You’ll know when the right time is, you have that natural instinct for perfect timing! I love you, and so do alot, and I mean ALOT, of other people. So chill, and go play with that cutie-patootie.
Life does change after baby. It is a struggle, to somehow hold on to a thread of our own identity outside of being “mommy”. You are ONLY 34. It feels old I suppose, but it is not so terribly. If you are conflicted about getting pregnant again or so soon, there is no need to rush.