Forty Is the New Forty
When my husband turned 50 I wondered if he would go through a mid-life crisis. I asked him about it. He said that he wished he had accomplished more by now, and I was offended, at first. I thought about me and our children. Aren’t we accomplishments enough?
This morning when I realized it was September 1, I said “It’s September 1. You know what that means?”
“What?” he looked up, alarmed. He thought had forgotten something.
“I’m going to be forty this month.”
And I burst into tears.
I was surprised by my reaction to my own statement. I have been anticipating this event for a long time, since my friends have been turning forty for years now. I don’t think that the number 4 and 0 mean that I am “old.” Lots of other things make me feel that way, but not the numbers.
I don’t mourn the opportunities to accomplish astounding things at a young age. If I accomplish those things now or even later, they will still be astounding.
I don’t discount the accomplishment that is the family I created with Stewart. We have a comfortable home and we provide safety and love for our little boys. We do the things that grownups are supposed to take care of – we work and pay and worry and plan and clean up after them. We pick them up and teach them and set boundaries for them. We love each other and we show it, setting an example for them.
We allow our faces to light up when our children enter the room.
And that is what makes me cry. We are running out of time. I think of Jennie Perillo, whose husband died at age 50 without warning. They had two little girls. Am I doing enough lighting up so that my children will keep my light in their hearts after I am gone? How much time do I have left to teach them to love themselves and go forth into the world as loving, responsible young men?
Must I live every day like it’s my last? Sometimes I just want to fall back into the pillows and sip a cold margarita. Am I wasting my time?
For my birthday, please, send me some more time. You have thirty days.
11 Comments
Ann
I am right with you. Recently I’ve been hyper aware of the passage of time.
Happy Birthday. You’ve got a lot to celebrate, and we know how fast it’s all going, so start early 🙂
Lisa
45. And better than ever. We get comfortable in our own skin as we get older. I know what you mean about the time though… it is true it slips away more quickly as we get older. Happy Birthday Kim! Your 40’s will prove to be the best decade yet. I promise 🙂
Sarah Auerswald
I think deciding whether the way you spend your time is the way you really want to spend your time is one of the most important things you can do. It doesn’t have to be like the “last day on earth bacchanalia” but finding meaning in the way you spend your days is really important.
And this sort of thing has been occurring to me lately as I fall into bed, exhausted, and know I have to get up the next day and get back on the treadmill. (Figuratively, not literally.)
Is this the best way to spend my time? Are my kids getting the best of me if I’m working so much of the time, Is it worth it?
Do something you REALLLLLLLY want to today.
Cheryl @ Mommypants
I think about this a lot, as an “older” mom. When my youngest is my age I’ll be 82.
When people ask me why I run, it’s simple: I want to stay active and be in the best shape possible so I can somewhat keep up with my kids. Nothing is guaranteed, obviously, but I’d like to be around to see them finish school, get married, maybe even have kids of their own.
Jeannine Chanin-Penn
Oh, Kim, I have been there and I will not speak my current age (although these days anyone can know anything) because I cannot utter the words! Not because I feel it, act it, live it…
I have recently struggled even more with mortality than I normally do after my first boyfriend died suddenly – it rocked my world in so many ways not because I was pining for him but because it made me realize again how precious our lives are and how short our time is and things go faster and faster as we get older – all those things our parents told us our true damn it!!!
It is easy to get caught up in the every day life we live what I think our children respond to most is what you are already doing – it is not the grand trip to Africa (although that sounds good!) but I see more and more with my son he just wants consistency, love, respect, and my time!!! Back to time – if you haven’t seen the new Spy Kids – take your kids and enjoy the time together.
Happy Almost Birthday – let’s get all the fabulous Moms you know together for a night out to celebrate your special day and spread you with time fairy dust.
xoj9
La Jolla Mom
First of all, you will be 40 and fabulous. Secondly, I do totally understand what you’re saying. My dad is very ill at 66 with some kind of dementia that the Drs can’t figure out, but they think it started in his late 40s. I worry that my brain is running out of time (this is a big reason why I blog) even if my body isn’t. I freak out if I forget where I put my keys and about totally normal mom-like forgetfulness. But I am more aware of my age (37) now that I ever was. And I worry about running out of time. So you’re not alone in that.
And I drove through Agoura Hills last week and I was bummed I didn’t schedule a lunch date with you in advance!
Desiree Eaglin
You should feel pretty acomplished Kim, you’re a pretty fantastic person.
And that’s mommy guilt talking. I guarantee those boys love you so much more than you will ever know and comprehend. I guarantee that you light up enough for them to remember you for an eternity.
Deborah Stambler
When I turned 40, I felt as though I was literally sitting smack at the middle of my life. Turning one way, I saw everything I’d done and hadn’t done. In the other direction, four more decades. It took me the whole lifetime I know to get this far. That seems like a long time. This is reassuring because I imagine I’ve got four more decades. Of course, we can’t know, but it’s not unreasonable to think I could live to be 80.
That seems like a nice long time. At 44, I feel I’ve just hit my stride. What will I have done by 60?
Have a happy birthday. Enjoy the day.
Anna Lefler
I can tell you from the other side of my mid-life crisis (which sucked, btw), that things begin to feel “normal” again once you’re through it.
For a while there I was hyper-aware of both my mortality and of the rocketing passage of time. Both bummed me out considerably. I felt like I was in some kind of countdown and that I’d never “make it,” (whatever that meant).
I’m happy to report, however, that once you go through this lousy “adjustment,” you start to feel more like yourself again. You don’t spend every waking moment wondering where you’d like your ashes scattered (mine are to be tossed on Pierce Brosnan, if anyone’s making notes here) or feeling like every casual goodbye is the last.
It’s more like you are left with a slightly different view of the timeline of your life and an appreciation for what’s worth freaking out over – and what’s not. In all, I’d say it’s a good thing once it’s behind you (the transition, that is).
On a personal note, every decade of my life has gotten increasingly better. Since that’s the case, it’s difficult to get too bummed out by birthdays. I just don’t pay too much attention to the numbers and go about the business of building a life that makes me happy.
All right, I’ll stop preaching now!!!
Happy Birthday, you sweet young thing!
XOXO
A.
Jane Gassner
Kim,
I second Anna Leffler’s words. Since you know how old I am, you know how wise I am! The birthdays that were hardest for me were the 3s and the 7s because they were neither here nor there. Forty, Fifty, Sixty–gulp!–had the aura of achievement about them. Wow, am I really that old?! Yes, I really am–and from this side of the divide, I can tell you: stuff that used to be so important? Eh, not so much anymore. Stuff you used to sit on for fear of making someone mad? Eh, not so much anymore. Happy Birthday, my friend; shall I sign you up for MidLifeBloggers?????
xxoo Jane
April
You know I have skillz yo! Where would you like me to send the proverbial package??
xoxo
Happy Birthday ;D