The Great Flu Shot Caper

After Thanksgiving last year I came down with the flu and I was sick like I had never been sick before. I tossed and turned deliriously in my bed for 5 days. Whenever I was semiconscious I had two activities – calling my friends and family and moaning for sympathy, or watching the Simpsons or the Sopranos on DVD. I wound up having very bizarre dream/hallucinations. Stewart was genuinely worried about me and he did a great job of nursing – he even brought home a Christmas tree for me one day, something that I still say is the nicest thing he’s ever done for me because it meant so much to me in my compromised state. Luckily, he didn’t catch the flu from me, because he had had the foresight to get the FLU SHOT!

This year will be different, Mr. Flu. No flu shot shortage is holding me back, because I’m on the priority list, ha ha! In clinics across the country, people have been swarming to stand in line for the flu shots given only to:

-people over 65

-very young children

-those with compromised immune systems

-those with other unfortunate disorders

-PREGNANT WOMEN

No problem. I’m in, right? Well it turned out that it wasn’t going to be easy. My grandparents stood in line last week for four hours to get their shots and watched countless others be turned away. Over the last week there have been reports that old ladies standing outside in the sun waiting for their shots have collapsed and died – dying for the flu shot! I decided to do a little detective work and I discovered that the company administering the clinic today at Costco would be there at 6AM handing out numbers, required for the clinic that starts at 10AM. No number, no shot.

I looked at it like an adventure. I went to bed early last night, after laying out my Flu Shot Outfit: velour drawstring pants (the most comfy pants in the whole world, and the only pants that actually fit), black t-shirt, baseball cap. Fit for a cat burglar. I packed my handbag with water, a snack, my Costco membership card, the requisite $15 payment for the shot, and lots of reading material. I put the camping chair in the trunk. I was prepared to wait ALL DAY. I’m seriously NOT into getting the flu again this year, especially not as a pregnant woman. Everyone who knows me knows that I have a very low threshold for pain and discomfort tolerance. (Then why get pregnant? you ask. I can’t answer. Just bring on the drugs.)

I woke before the alarm went off at 5:30. Actually, I had been awake since 2:45 AM for the nightly trip to the bathroom, unable to get back to sleep because of the searing pains in my digestive system. Dude, all I ate for dinner was a hot dog and some molten chocolate cake. One or the other must have been POISONED, because I was in pain for HOURS. All the farting and belching in the world could not stop this pain. Please forgive my forthrightness, I know, TMI, right? But seriously, I have got to talk to my doctor about the gas pain, because it’s interfering with my sleep now, and even more than not getting the flu, I do NOT WANT ANYTHING INTERFERING WITH MY SLEEP. That is how much I love the sleep.

Thanks to Mr. Gas Tummy, I was already awake, and perfectly happy to get into my Stealth Flu Shot Gear. I drove through the inky darkness to the Costco and arrived at about 6:05 AM, bracing myself for the crowd of angry elderly people. I left the chair in the car while I went to investigate. At the door of the Costco, there were about ten bleary-eyed people filling out forms. I found a guy with a Costco name tag and asked him where the line was. “This is it,” he said, smiling and polite. Really? No giant swarms of fainting old ladies? No helpful Costco employees handing out water and donuts to flu shot hopefuls who had lined up the night before as if they were waiting for Def Leppard concert tickets in 1986? No mayhem?

Costco Guy looked at me quizzically, and I knew he was wondering what my deal was. “Pregnant,” I said. He congratulated me and gave me a form to fill out that had a blue card with #28 stamped on it. He told me to come back at about 9:50. “There’s no reason to wait around until then. You can’t get the shot without a number, and here’s your number. Number 28.”

Let me digress here to say that I felt quite a thrill every time I told someone I was pregnant and they nodded understandingly and gave me priority access. This special treatment is VERY nice, and I will definitely enjoy it for the months to come.

Well, without the drama of having to wait in line for four hours, I just went back home, crawled back into bed (where Stewart barely even woke up) and tried to sleep again. This time I did sleep a little bit, and woke up at 9 to make the preparations to stand in line all over again. I truly believed that when I went back at 10 there would be a chaotic throng of old timers and people in wheelchairs to deal with. Surprise again! I arrived at the line location at 9:45, and nothing could have been more orderly, and the people in line were extremely helpful. Granted, they looked at me, young woman of 33, like I was an evil interloper, until I charmed them by saying “pregnant” every time. I wound up having a lovely conversation with a group of over 65’ers about childbirth and children and child-rearing and other child-related topics. I was only in line for about 40 minutes before I got my shot. No time to even open one of my magazines. I hadn’t even finished my coffee!

That, my friends, is the good result of being neurotic and over-prepared. Now I just hope the flu shot itself doesn’t make me sick.