Every now and then, I get so wigged out by all of the responsibilities and activities and obligations and laundry laundry laundry that go with motherhood of young boys in the (upper?) middle class life we lead that I have to shut ‘er down and simplify. I think about it as starting from scratch, like when I clean out and off my desk and then put back only the things that are essential. I start a new list on a blank page, listing everything I need to do, then going back later to prioritize or schedule the items. I clean a lot.
This time even those exercises have not been enough. I don’t feel particularly behind or cluttered or messy, but my brain is in chaos. So.
Instead of meditating like a normal person, I come here, to my little corner of the once formal living room and sit for a moment, staring at the white composition window in WordPress. I take deep breaths. I sit up straight. I think about Ann Lamott and “Bird By Bird,” which I have been savoring, chapter by chapter, at night before I go to sleep. I wonder if her musings have anything to do with my intricate, silk spun dreams.
I listen to my husband and children in the other room putting together a puzzle. They are looking for the last piece, and by the wails and screeching I deduce that it has been lost for good. I feel the breeze of the air filtering system. I reduce my existence to my senses – goosebumps, shrieking, fingers padding on the keys.
It is all okay. My life is of my own making, and while it is not perfect, and there are great impossibilities to digest, it is a comfortable, safe, warm, and love-filled life.
Now if I could just find the time and energy for The Shred every day…
Your words are important to me. Thanks for sharing them.