This was an original post for LA Moms Blog on April 8, 2009. SV Moms Group was acquired by Technorati so I post my archives here on Fridays.
Something is happening to me, something nobody warned me about. Or maybe they did, but I wasn’t paying attention.
My little boys are turning 4 and 2 this month. I’ve been pregnant and/or parenting babies or toddlers for over four years straight. During that time I’d been living like I was underwater: not really hearing, feeling, or understanding anything the way I used to. But over the last few months, the fog has been clearing.
I’m waking up.
The dream-state of early motherhood may not happen that way to everybody. I honestly don’t remember anyone telling me, when I first got pregnant and flapped around joyously telling everyone the news, that I would morph into a person who barely resembled my old self.
On the surface I went through the phases of mothering just like all the other mothers: the wardrobe consisting of sweat pants and ratty nursing bras, the potty-training and development stories, the juggling act of balancing professional and family life. Inside I suffered from chronic Mommy Brain: poor memory, emotional fatigue, and a vast disconnect from what once was an ambitious, goal-driven nature. The children brought new priorities to my life, but what of the old goals and dreams? When I turned away from them I felt like I was losing myself, but I was so tired all the time that I didn’t care.
Over the years I have met and befriended hundreds of mothers of young children. Within my local moms’ group I’ve had more than one conversation in which a fellow mother has admired me for having it all together, or a friend has turned to me for advice, or someone has called me a Supermom.
Every time I hear something like this I bark with laughter and disbelief. It’s nice that I look like I’m handling everything so well on the outside, but maybe I’m the only one who’s in on the joke. I’m just doing the best I can, and most days I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water, supporting each child with one hand, legs kicking furiously below the surface.
Something is different now. Someone else wants attention and isn’t taking “no” for an answer. That someone is me. Maybe it started with my recent weight loss. Maybe it’s because my kids are a little bit older now. Maybe it’s the support and affirmation I get from the online community. It’s probably a combination of all of the above. I’m getting my body, my energy, and my spirit back for myself. I hadn’t even realized that the last one was missing.
Like every change, this one is disconcerting because it raises a conflict. My hopes and dreams of old are still alive inside me but they did not take into account that one day I would have young children and very serious responsibilities. Instead of shoving them back down into my subconscious again, I challenge myself to adapt my aspirations to fit my new life story. Traveling the world at a moment’s notice is out, but planning family friendly adventures brings me great joy. Working 16-hour days on a television set doesn’t allow much time for family, so my dream of world media domination has to accept a narrower focus – one week of popularity on Twitter can carry me for the rest of the year.
I’m also much more keenly aware of my relationship with my husband. We allowed the pressures of supporting a family and running a household to divert our attention from our roles as partner to each other. As I’ve been doing more things for myself and indulging in my dreaming, he pulls me back to reality. But with my renewed energy, I can remind him that in addition to mother and wife, inside I’m still the young woman who made him heady with love and passion. Our marriage is truly the foundation of our family’s happiness, and even though it’s hard to find time to spend alone together, we must make it a priority and something to anticipate on a regular basis.
It’s a constant and ongoing struggle, but I trust that the rewards will be worth the work. I first had issues with my identity change when I became a mother 4 years ago. I always thought that stress would pass and I would settle into my new role. What I’m learning now is that instead of changing roles, we take on new ones. Our challenge is to make room for them, to embrace them, and to let them shape our dreams and our actions in the best possible way. Maybe nobody warned me about this because, like pregnancy or childbirth itself, it’s something you just have to experience to understand.
This article hit home and is on point. One factor that I also believe comes into play is age. More and more, I see women who are closer to 40 reclaiming their lives in order to feel whole again. It’s a continuous cycle that probably doesn’t stop until the children become independent.
Ah,holey moley I so very much agree. So very, very much agree.