It’s quiet.
The baby is not crying. The 2-year-old and the husband are out for the day. The grandmother has gone back to CT. The dog is sleeping and the cat is hiding. The only sounds I hear are the aquarium filter buzzing and the baby trying to make a poo. (He does this very well.)
And I exhale, and look around, assessing the damage.
I know that in 2.5 milliseconds the baby will cry because his diaper is full, or because he is still hungry, or because he’s really tired and can’t fall asleep, or just because. But in this moment, I am calmer than I have been in weeks.
I have a huge post brewing in my head about my first month as a mother of two young children. I owe my editor a new article for The Mommy Times, so I have been trying to craft that post with a humorous slant, but it’s been very hard to do because I’m just not feeling funny these days. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I just have to look around me and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all – at the antics of my precocious toddler, at the projectile poops of the infant, at my own missteps borne of sleep deprivation, etc. But when I try to sum up my experience so far, I am faced with deep truths about myself as a mother and a control freak. Taking on another young life is no laughing matter.
And so I do what I always do when confronted with difficulty: I talk about it with everyone I know. I have talked about it with my mother, my husband, my girlfriends, my guy friends, my chiropractor, the service guy from Mitsubishi, the lady at the state disability agency, and even the dog. I am not afraid to admit that I feel like I’m sinking. As one friend whose opinion I respect very much said yesterday, “Why is it such a secret?” Really, why is it? I’m sure every parent has dark moments they don’t reveal. Maybe it makes them feel better to hide it, to pretend that everything is fine, that they are basking in the lovely glow of familial bliss. For me, admitting my difficulty with this trying time only helps to lift the world off of my shoulders.
I know that I have been writing so much less during Brady’s infancy than I did when Kyle was the same age. That’s not for lack of material, believe me. Lack of time and motivation, yes. Obviously I have broken my New Year’s Resolution to post every day, but childbirth is a “life event” that triggers some kind of exception, like on my credit card (I have the credit protector plan that kicks in during such a time, and they waive my payments and finance charges for 2 months! Neat!).
There is so much to be done. My house looks like a small tornado took a look-see around the place. My bills are not paid (see above), I have no idea what my family will eat for the next millenium, and the laundry has piled up to unprecedented levels. At best, there is a walkable path through every room, but Stewart and I still trip over toys and boxes. So far we have managed to not drop the baby.
When the baby quieted down and I noticed the relative silence in the house, my first thought was “What is the most important thing I need to do?” So I triaged my life, and my first order of business was to sit here at the computer and write about it. That says something. I need this moment of reflection. I need to update my blog. I need to not forget what I am going through right now.
I’m not even going to tackle the laundry or the dishes or the groceries just yet. I am going to hold my little baby and watch him as he sleeps, and hopefully catch some more sleep for myself. Although it’s been hard for me to get through each day, I am enthralled by my beautiful son. He won’t be a baby for very long.
The last two paragraphs you wrote are beautiful.
Gosh, I’m so proud of you! and I love hearing the updates when you can.
Keep on, keeping on, Mom KTP.
You’re right – it all changes in the blink of an eye.
That is a beautiful post. You are right, they don’t stay babies for long. I remember when my daughter was a few weeks old (and I did not also have a toddler to care for!) tearing a recipe out of a magazine (I love to cook) and crying because I felt so hopeless. It was all I could do to get a shower each day. I felt absolutely certain I’d never again even have time to make a piece of toast, much less a recipe. Somehow I do manage to occasionally cook these days. Keep hanging in there. I send good thoughts your way, wish it could be more.
In a pathetic sad way, I am envious of your post. Jacks was the perfect baby, quiet and sleeping, and eating on schedule. I decided that as a single professional mom, I also needed to be super mom, and did not take the time to hold my sleeping baby. I started checking office email at 5 days, and got my first work phone call exactly 7 days and 3 hours after he entered the world. At 4 weeks, I was running my conference with baby in stroller and grandma not too far behind. My house was clean (but the flowers mom planted while I was in the hospital all died from the lack of water), and I had to rush home from work, errands, etc. to meet my visitors during my “maternity leave.”
Now my life still feels like a speeding train that I so desparately want to step off of. I don’t wnat to be at work, I want to be home playing with him, and I regret not holding Jacks those first prescious weeks.
So if and when you get another quiet moment, relish it. Hold that so adorable little boy, and try not to worry about the laundry, the dishes, groceries, etc.
You are an awesome mom.
Lov,
Suz
Aww, Kim, I’ve been there. I remember those days. Two is more then double the work… but soon enough they’ll be running around the house playing with each other and you house will be filled with the sounds of two energetic boys’ laughter. Hang in there!
Because you have so much free time these days (LOL!) I have tagged you!
Thanks for sharing the most intimate of mommy moments. Makes me feel better and not alone.
Will visit you soon.
Erin, Antony and Corran
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