This was an original post for LA Moms Blog on March 27, 2009. SV Moms Group was acquired by Technorati so I post my archives here on Fridays.
Something incredibly strange happened to me the other night. The phone rang at 9:30 P.M. – always a sign of something odd since I usually don’t get calls that late. It was my friend Natalie, with whom I rarely speak, both of us being moms of young children who work full time.
She was calling to ask me for advice about how to discipline her four-year-old son, who is having trouble listening to her.
She called me to ask for advice. Because another of our friends recommended me.
After I stopped my hysterical laughter and wiped the tears from my eyes, I realized she was serious. Our mutual friend had heard me talking about the cage I bought for my children a new discipline theory I was trying out with some success, and when poor Natalie reached her wits’ end, that friend thought of me.
I figured I’d better rise past the bullshit I was spewing at play group the other night and really bring it. It’s one thing to boast about your success when you’re feeling smug, but it’s a whole different game if a fellow mom is in need. I could hear Natalie’s son howling in the background. I gave it to her like it really is:
The book I’m reading and trying out was recommended to me by a social worker, a child and family therapist, and a priest. No, I’m kidding about the priest. But the first two are real. It’s called “1-2-3 Magic” and it suggests that two warnings and a consequence, if administered properly, can work magic on your child’s behavior. I read it with skepticism because I have learned the hard way that good parenting does not come from a book. I’m a quick study, so if that method worked you can bet my kids would speak three languages, never hurt themselves, and willingly share with each other by now.
I turned to “1-2-3 Magic” because I was in the same spot as Natalie is now and it was killing our household. My frequent power struggles with my almost 4-year-old gnawed at my already frayed nerves. When I tried to relax and just let him behave the way he was behaving I was equally unhappy, because I didn’t want him growing into a wild, disrespectful child. I also didn’t enjoy being hit, having toys and other objects thrown about, or watching uncontrolled roughhousing devolve into physical injury. My husband feels differently – he is definitely the good cop to my bad one, but that’s okay. I like being the bad cop. I have control issues.
The methods in “1-2-3 Magic” appealed to me because they handle the parent and the child at the same time. Essentially, you start counting when a child (who must be at least the mental age of 2 for this to work, the author says) misbehaves. “That’s 1,” you say, and if the child doesn’t stop after about five seconds, “That’s 2.” If the child continues the behavior, “That’s 3. Take a time out” or another age-appropriate punishment, examples of which the author is very helpful at listing. All of the counting and administration of punishment must be done without emotion. In this way, you stop the escalation of drama and power struggle in its tracks.
Once I put this into practice, my son did not immediately respond to the counting. I had to be pretty tough with his time-outs to end the throwing and slamming of doors. But I was consistent. Although I had little faith in books, it was the crutch I needed to feel that I was carrying out some kind of research project. To my great relief my son did start showing improvement in about a week. The hard part was being consistent – I have a tough time being matter-of-fact when I am actually really pissed off.
I explained all of this to Natalie as her child screamed and hollered from his bedroom. I also told her that we started a “good behavior” sticker chart. This is more work for the parents because your task is to catch the good behavior while it’s happening and praise it! Very much! It’s not unlike training a dog, really. After 20 stickers there will be a big reward – so far he’s up to 14 and it’s taken months because I am admittedly lacking in my vigilance toward the good behaviors. Also, the reward is a trip to Chuck E. Cheese which I lovingly call “The 5th Level of Hell” and I am subliminally delaying that event as much as possible.
I felt like such a poser giving discipline advice to another mother. I tried to make it sound less like advice and more like a tale from the trenches, so no matter what Natalie decides to do, she will at least feel better knowing she is not alone. While I know my methods are working for us, there are always setbacks. As recently as this morning we had three time-outs and an extended tantrum. And then my son started acting up, too.
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