Lately, when I put Kyle to bed, I miss him like he’s gone away.
I kiss him, say “night-night,” and quickly slip out the door and close it behind me. And then I feel sad that I will not see him again until the morning.
I get into bed and I have the fierce desire to scoop him out of his crib and bring him to bed with me, to curl him up in the hollow of my body, to feel his smooth skin and smell his hair.
I yearn to be near him, but this feeling is different from the achey terror of the “heart walking around outside my body” feeling of having a child. I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sure why it has just started happening this way. I suspect that the feeling has descended upon me because he is growing up.
My baby is becoming a little boy.
He moves with such great speed as I never imagined when he was immobile and flailing. He learns a new word at least once a week (this morning: bubbles!). He cocks his head and smiles at me showing all of his 10 teeth, as if to say “I’m SO cute, Mommy, don’t you just want to squeeze me?”
And I do. I do squeeze him, as much as I can. I know that someday he won’t want me to. I know that day will come much faster than I expect it. But right now it feels far away. Just as I had trouble imagining Kyle as a toddler, I have even more trouble imagining him as a boy, a teenager, a young man. It’s too physically draining.
For now I will get my fix whenever I can. I will continue to snuggle with him, kiss him, gobble his fingers, pinch his three-roll thighs, inhale the smell of his hair, poke his belly, and hug him. I will try to keep the memory of those feelings safe and whole for later, when those moments are fewer and farther between.
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This post was inspired by all the writing going on because of Her Bad Mother (badladies.blogspot.com)
I added a photo this morning and I lost all of my comments! And you all know how much I love the comments…what a big mistake. There were 5 here! And they were lovely. Thank you.
“three-roll thighs” Hee hee – my favourite kind (on my children, anyway – they’re not AS nice when they’re on me!).
The worst part about missing them when they’re in bed is the way it kicks in EVEN THOUGH a few minutes earlier I was clock-watching for all I was worth, waiting for the freedom of the evening to kick in.
Your words warmed my heart. Thanks!
I know the feeling, and sometimes do scoop up Jackson, only to not really sleep all night and often awake to a foot in the ribs, or worse my nose. But it is a soft sweet foot, even though we laugh when I smell his “stinky feet”, no matter how mad he is about getting undressed at night.
Jackson’s word last week was “coffee” or “caukey”. This week it is baby. Now he uses 5 words in context: uh-oh, doggie, ball, coffee, and baby. Plus the sounds of dogs, ducks, and bears.
Thanks for putting into words so many of our feelings.
It was worth losing comments, I think, for that photo. Delish.