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Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Is a Luxury…For Your Kids (A Dad’s Response)

November 21, 2014 Kim Tracy Prince 1 Comment

Luxury? Ha! The working spouse is hardly putting his feet up, watching the game and drinking a beer with his buddies. Neither is the stay-at-home parent. The only luxury of having a stay-at-home-mom is felt by the children. And that’s how it should be. One dad responds to the whole “the stay-at-home spouse is a luxury to the working parent” concept, below.

IMG_5050Kyle and Brady frolic in the leaves without a care, c. fall 2011

Having had my kids in school – all day! – for over a year now, I’ve relaxed a bit about being super productive with every possible minute of my kid-free time. I still have the overarching sentiment that I must do things during school hours that I can’t do when they are at home. Things like writing, exercising, meeting with colleagues or friends. I save housework, for the most part, for when they are here, because I naturally do that while I am supervising homework or reading time or play dates.

You know what else I can do while my boys are at school?  I can take a nap. Or see the doctor. Or get my hair done.

Yes, those things are luxuries. But it’s not like I do them every day. And if I was working full time out of the house, guess when I would do them? On the weekends, or at the expense of my work, or while a hired babysitter is with the children. There’s a tradeoff no matter when I take a moment for myself.

All the ladies writing now about motherhood and parenting and stay at home vs. working are saying the same things we said five years ago and even farther back, and I’m sure that when we wrote those posts in the Early Internet Age, we were repeating the same struggles that women who came before us did, but using more current technology. It’s the same old story.

One thing that has changed, however, is that more men are talking about it, writing about it, and discussing it amongst themselves. It’s no longer just us housewives or “working moms” who wring our hands and shake our heads in resignation – we can discuss the work/life balance conundrum with our husbands or friends or male colleagues who are fathers. In fact, it was the dad of a traditional-model family (dad works at an office, mom is in charge of the house and kids all day while he is gone, dad feel overworked and pressured, mom teeters between exasperation and extreme gratitude) who sent me the link to this article, which was a reaction to this article, and while the public’s reaction to both was off the mark, I understand what the writers’ points are. They’re new to this gig, which is a struggle. They realize that parenting is easier with a partner, one who picks up the slack where you can’t reach to catch it yourself. But you dangle the word “luxury” out in front of a readership that is supercharged for controversy over working/parenthood, and you create a lovely little internet firestorm for yourself. Well played, newcomers.

I urge readers not to take the bait. Parenting is hard no matter how you do it. The only people who are lounging around in “luxury” are the children, because that’s the whole point.

You all know how I feel about this issue: make your own choices. Find what works best for you and your family. If others criticize you, they can suck it. But I found my friend’s response, the perspective of the working dad responsible for financially supporting a family of five, refreshing, insightful, and heartwarming. He gave me permission to share it here.

Reaction to the “Luxury” Article, by Chris Tjaden:

I think what frosts Elena’s cookies the most is the notion that her sacrifices of being a stay-at-home mom in some way provides a luxury for me. That it enables me to work late when I want have to, travel when I want have to, and render her utterly powerless under the demands of my job. Or as she may question, my abilities to control my own time & my ‘desires’ to conveniently avoid coming home. All very valid questions that I want to reassure are totally not true.

I believe that we are in a very tenuous circumstance:
  1. We are living far from home (and therefore family & friends support) and are constantly reminded of what we don’t have by friends who conveniently have parents come over to cover the kids on a whim. I am sure you can relate.
  2. We are in the throes of [caring for three] very demanding, and still dependent, children.
  3. We are extremely money-strapped…something that we are trying to come to grips with.
  4. Finally, is the issue of Elena’s dealing with some substantially extraordinary health issues.
She is in no way living a life of luxury – if anything, she’s feeling like she’s living a life of a indentured servant – and to suddenly suggest that her misery is providing any sense of luxury for me is infuriating. There was a hope (or shall I dare say an understanding) that when she gave up her work to stay at home, that she would feel a sense of luxury. That I would come home and relieve her so she can have time for herself. That she can have the flexibility to travel home when she wants. That she can have more control over her life. This is clearly not always the case. Yet because of said issues listed above, there doesn’t seem to be a way out of it. Finding the support that we need is just not going to happen, finding daycare for our high–needs kids is improbable due to the time of year and the services that they are receiving. And all of these demands limit her from the one sense of comfort and control that she’s found since this whole mess started…her exercise.
She is a an extremely loving, nurturing and capable mom who is at the end of her rope. She is also a very smart, caring, and strong woman who is clearly capable of working a very successful career. Unfortunately, she is not feeling appreciated for the work and sacrifice that she provides our family.
So is there a luxury that comes because of this? I have to agree that there is, but not just for me. For all of us.
  • Time: because of all that she does, we have the luxury of our weekends. Sure there’s the growing chaos of shuttling kids to activities, but we actually can spend time together as a family (whether it’s going apple–picking, or simply being with the kids in the driveway).
  • Sanity: because she stays home, we avoid the “awake at 5am so we can get ourselves and the kids out the door” phenomenon that comes with working. We avoid the evening mad dash of figuring what to make for dinner/making dinner/getting the kids in bath & bed that has to fit within the 2hr time frame of 6-8pm. And then the ensuing clean the kitchen/do the laundry/get lunches made/pull-out outfits for the next day that follows.
  • Complexity: We avoid the negotiations of who can take time off when one of them is sick or needs to go to the doctor, or what to do if and when my job requires me to stay late or travel. Not to mention the lost weekends between having to squeeze in a week’s worth of chores & shopping, while trying to spend quality time with our kids, whom neither of us has seen during the course of the week. All very real issues.
  • And this would go on, if I had a longer lunch break (which I rarely take)
The bottom line is that Elena is an absolutely amazing mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend to so many. Unfortunately she is also absolutely overwhelmed and under-appreciated. We are so blessed to have her do all that she does for our family. I would like to think that I try to do everything I can do to help to lighten her load when and how I can, but I know that I still do not do enough…I love her unconditionally – regardless of the guilt that she assumes each day on whether she’s doing a good job or not.

Sorry, ladies. He does not yet have a clone. My friend Elena deserves all of this praise and more because she is one of the hardest working stay-at-home-moms I know and the nicest person I have ever met.

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Family Babble, being a stay at home mom, motherhood, parenting, sahm, stay at home mom, washington post, work/life balance

Comments

  1. Elena says

    November 22, 2014 at 3:19 PM

    Thank you Kim for your loving words, and thank you Chris for your incredible support and love. Kim, you are right when you say that the point of it all is for the children…the ones “lounging around in luxury.” It’s good to be reminded of this. It’s easy to get frustrated, angry and overwhelmed in the midst of the chaotic nature of life sometimes. I clearly remember reading the article my husband sent me on one of those “bad” days. When I saw that word “luxury,” it was the most incomprehensible word at the time for me. I was annoyed. I was jealous of someone else, even my husband, having “luxury” from my drained physical and emotional state of being. I hope some of you could relate to that feeling. But like childbirth, those feelings subside as soon as one of the kids does that adorable giggle, gives you a hug and says “you’re the best mom!” My heart melts and I vow to myself that the next day I’m really going to be the best mom and wife that I can be. But then the next day brings the same hectic schedule, strapped finances, another sleep deprived night…it can be a vicious cycle. Kim, your words (and loving friendship) have inspired me countless times. You are an amazing wife, mother and friend. My husband, Chris, has a special gift of getting inside my head and can then proceed to verbalize my thoughts and feelings to a tee. He knows me so well! And he still loves me…I’m one lucky gal and love you both. At this time of Thanksgiving it’s good to be reminded of who our choices are for…for raising our little people to grow into loving, responsible and honest people in their journey through life AND to themselves.

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