Sometimes you have to be nice even when you don’t want to. Even when you are cranky and your mom has pissed you off and you just want to curl up on the couch and sulk.
That is easy to pull off when you are, say, 4 years old. But the older and taller you get, the more you need to start learning how to behave.
The sucky part of my job is that I am the one who has to teach my kids how to behave. When they’re doing it right, it’s easy. But when they do it wrong, then I actually have to parent, and this phase of parenting is far more difficult than middle-of-the-night feedings or diaper blowouts. Mothers of newborns, it is true: you have it easy. You might want to punch me in the throat for saying that. Believe me, I’ve been there. But I’m here now, and I know this much is true.
For the most part Kyle is a vivacious, outgoing, and polite boy. At almost 7, he has the regular social quirks. He interrupts adults all the time, and he has a habit when meeting someone for the first time, instead of saying “Nice to meet you,” of asking them a complicated math question. Okay, I suppose that is regular in my house only, but we don’t think that is unusual.
However, lately Kyle has been exhibiting a rudeness that Stewart and I don’t want him to keep around. He is rude to us, to strangers, to children who are younger. I am trying to teach him to be sensitive to the feelings of other people. This is a hard lesson. He is a child. He just wants what he wants when he wants it, the end. But I am charged with the task of showing him the consequences and benefits of his actions.
Last night, faced with the choice of doing the right thing, which required effort and a cheer he did not feel, versus acting the way he wanted to act and losing a privilege for a week, he chose the more difficult option. I breathed an inward sigh of great relief, and he was happier in the end, too.
But this was a small victory – the challenge was whether or not to be kind and polite to another family. It was hard enough for me to get through this episode, and it left me exhausted. I don’t want to think about how hard the episodes will get as he gets older and is faced with more complex social issues.
As I find with any task, though, contemplating the larger picture is overwhelming. I guess I need to focus on one thing at a time, and hope that by tackling these situations one by one and succeeding (with crossed fingers), I will slowly help Kyle build his character, one building block at a time.
How do you deal with teaching social etiquette to a stubborn child? Please share in the comments. Your experience might help someone who is facing a similar challenge.
Lexi says
You are doing a GREAT job. 🙂
Catalina says
All three of my boys are stubborn, but only my youngest is the more difficult one when it comes to social encounters. (I’ll spare you how old he is.) We still struggle to teach him how to approach others politely and respectfully. It’s a work in progress — one day he’ll do it on his own.
Jeannine Chanin Penn says
As the mother of a smart, chatty, challenging, creative almost 10 year who I am told is generally ‘very polite’ – I often am dealing with similar issues. What I find is often in the moment it is hard to get the response or behavior you are hoping for and just becomes a frustrated battle – so still try but also in a quieter moment like snuggled in bed at night have a calm conversation about it again…how it may impact or hurt people, etc. – reinforce what a great kid he is (I’m sure he is he’s yours Kim). He will ultimately do the right thing most of the time but get ready for years of course correction – just when you think you have it all figured out it changes!
Desiree Eaglin says
My 5 year old son is a rude nightmare…with a huge attitude. Thankfully, he’s uber quiet and shy everywhere but at home. When he is rude at home, I correct him with as much patience as I can muster (but I am pregnant so patience is not something I have much of to be honest). I think it’s a journey-parenting that is. I model the best behavior I am capable of (stop laughing!) and I correct his when it goes off course. That honestly, is the best we can do.
You are a FANTABULOUS mom and the boys are lucky to have you.
Mary says
This is such a great topic. Thanks for your great post and the Calvin and Hobbes comic. So perfect. I have a ten year old daughter. You are absolutely right that the younger years are easier in terms of “parenting.” No one expects a two year old to say, “Nice to meet you,” right? But at ten I expect it. I feel like a broken record constantly reminding her and having little chats before we go to social events where she will meet new people. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Recently I watched my daughter and a bunch of kids from her class standing around a swing set at school. The rule is that if the swings are all occupied, the person in line counts to 25 and the kid has to get off and relinquish the swing. Apparently one kid refused to play by the rules. So instead of trying to reason with him or just walk away and go to a different swing, one girl got really mad and started hitting the kid with her water bottle. That’s when I ran over there and intervened, taking the water bottle away and pretty much screaming at this girl that she should never hit anyone. But what struck me most was that there was a group of kids, including mine, who just watched this all happen. No one tried to stop it or get an adult. When my daughter and I got in the car and I let her have it for not trying to stop the hitting, she really cried, felt super bad and also very confused. I honestly don’t think she knew what to do and I realized then that I have to teach her this stuff. That you don’t stand around and let someone else beat up another kid. She’s a good kid and she felt terrible but it was so interesting to realize that these situations are new to kids and they still need our guidance right into their 20’s, maybe 30’s? It seems to me that as my daughter gets older the lessons are more complex and complicated and that’s what is so intense. Anyway, it’s all about helping our children navigate the world in the best possible way, I think. Thanks again!
Kate says
Kim what an inspiring post. You inspired me to write my own! HAHA! Now you KNOW you’re a good writer if you’ve done that! 😉
Here’s a small bit of it:
I read a book recently called, “Loving the Little Years” and there was one thought that has really stayed with me. The author gave the analogy of thinking of your child’s emotions like a wild horse. Putting a two year old in charge of this beast is comical and even 12 year olds are going to struggle with handling such an enormous animal. It takes a lot of practice, patience and teaching to master a wild horse. Key word here is ‘teaching.’
How can I expect my son to know how to handle such massive emotions without proper teaching, right?