Yes, I’m reviewing yoga, the genre. Yoga the myth, the legend, the school of thought. You see, I can do this because I’ve been practicing yoga for years, and that makes me an expert in the way that people who have used Twitter for few months declare themselves social media gurus.
What’s more, I have only practiced Gym Yoga, that extra special Wal-Mart version of yoga that happens in one hour or less in a windowed room so that everyone lifting weights on the other side of the glass wall can watch your ass as they pump iron and look manly (read, throw gang-signs at each other and yell because they have iPod ear buds in their ears).
It is very difficult, unless you are furthest from the door, to relax in such an environment, to still your mind, to ignore the cell phones and thumping bass and clanging weights from the gym. That makes me extra qualified to review Yoga.
Here are some things that I want to share with you about Yoga. My advice is for newbies and veterans alike. Use it wisely.
- There is NO CLAPPING in yoga. I’m sorry, I just can’t be open minded about this. If you applaud at the end of a yoga class, you are an idiot.
- Sighing and loud breathing are okay. I say this grudgingly.
- Get your ass out of my face. There is plenty of room here.
- Gym yoga sucks extra because it is invariably scheduled right after the most popular and crowded and sweaty step aerobics or spinning classes, both of which involve the putting away of heavy equipment and/or mats by the people in the classroom, who really take their time putting those things away, leaving you standing around waiting for a spot to lay down your mat like a vulture. If you wait politely you lose the chance to get a prime spot.
- A prime spot is in the first or second row from the instructor, off to his/her left or right, not directly under one of the lights that is on, and aligned with a clear shot of the mirrors to your front and side.
- Passive-aggressive or wishy washy yoga instructors really piss me off and make me hate them.
- When you enter a yoga class late, get as ready as possible before you open the door and go inside. Get your mat ready to unfurl, take off your shoes and outer clothes, etc. Make your entrance as quick and quiet as possible. People are trying to center themselves here.
- Do I even have to say the thing about silencing your cell phone?
- Don’t leave before savasana is over. If you do, you’re missing the point and you should never have come. (Savasana is also called “corpse pose.” It is the last pose you do in a yoga class. You lay flat with your eyes closed, relaxing. If you’ve had a strenuous workout or a lot of twisting poses, this can be truly awesome, like being flooded with tingly joy. It’s like being high without drugs. At least, that is what I imagine. This might be why I like it so much.)
- What to wear? Do NOT wear loose t-shirts because they will fall down around your head when you are upside down, exposing anything that might be under the shirt. Do NOT wear socks. That is for idiots, too. wear close-fitting clothing that allows you to move and if you have stanky toenails, that’s okay because nobody’s looking at your feet, unless you are unlucky enough to get a class that involves partner stretches. See next item.
- Instructors should only whip out partner stretches in smaller classes where people kind of know each other. Otherwise, ew.
- Don’t be the yoga equivalent of a close talker. That would be the person who lays her mat right next to you, I mean within inches, when there is plenty of space for there to be a nice buffer. WTF is up with that?
- If you are an instructor at a crowded gym yoga class, please get up and walk around once in a while to help the idiots who are doing it wrong. That is how I learned, and I’m not seeing it happen much anymore. That is not fair to the newbies, and there are always newbies.
- Once again, there is NO CLAPPING IN YOGA.
Signed, the cranky yoga student. And dude, I only go once a week. Maybe it’s time for me to find a new class.
I hate Yoga instructors who don’t walk around and help, especially when I see people who are doing poses blatantly incorrectly or with a completely confused look on their face. It makes me feel bad for them and it makes me wonder if I, too, am not doing it right.
I have never taken a Yoga class (because I’m too anti-social and neurotic to exercise in a group), so I don’t have the background… but I found this post hilarious.
This is hilarious! I sat here nodding my head in agreement as I read. I haven’t been to a yoga class in a while, but now I want to go just so I can be a cranky yoga student again. Having a yoga class right after the uber-popular aerobics class also sucks because the whiff of sweat coming off of each of the people leaving the room destroys my efforts to find my zen.
Thank you for making me glad that I do yoga at home, on the Wii Fit (which is probably a few rungs lower than Gym Yoga, but at least it doesn’t involve other people).
Passive-aggressive or wishy washy yoga instructors really piss me off and make me hate them.
Isn’t yoga supposed to make us kinder, gentler, people. 😉
Um, YEAH, you need to find a new class. Perhaps at a yoga studio, not at a gym. I realize I’m going out on a limb here, but I had to say it.
Hmmm, I took one yoga class in my life, and was so intimidated by everyone else’s obvious proficiency that I haven’t looked back. Plus I wore that loose shirt you warned against in this post. Now that I know those lithe pros are also impatient with newbie incompetency, I think I’ll just stick with my treadmill. Yikes!
Call me what you will but I really dislike the breathing in Yoga. I never fail to put my mat next to someone who likes to grunt and blow all through class. I would also like to add that I dislike yoga instructors who try to do “power yoga” in a regular class. Our gym has two instructors – one who does it right and one who just pisses me off. I feel your pain.
This is why I do yoga at home, when the kids are at school. course that’s when the fedex guy comes.
the worst is going to a class and there are a couple of giggly girlfriends. god.
Too funny! I knew there were multiple reasons why I have stayed away from yoga.
Downward dog in the morning with my labrador retriever is as far as my yoga skills stretch. (pun intended)
This is hysterical! I was laughing outloud as I read. Thanks for the laughs!
I am LMAO at the “no clapping” in yoga. Gosh, who would even do that? Though, I did forget to turn off my cell/iPod the other day and I nearly died of embarrassment – it was an accident. I’m so good, except this one time. 🙂
I needed a laugh! Thanks for bringing back fond memories.
Now why again am I wanting to figure out a way to bring yoga back in my life?
This synopsis definitely shows this person doesn’t get yoga. Yoga is welcome to all – those that quietly exit, those that clap, those that are so enthusiastic they crowd together, and those that make room for others. I found this a disturbing read.
I agree with everything, though I’ve never done gym yoga, only in my teacher’s cocoon of a studio with mostly the same group of people who’ve been doing yoga together for years. Definitely a safe environment. We’ve never clapped at the end of yoga, but sometimes clap during check-in when someone says something monumental (like when I announced my birthday a couple weeks ago!).
I have a particular disdain for people who enter and whip their mats out with a loud crack as they send it to the floor. Hello!!!- this is a quiet, meditative space.