I was going to post this yesterday, but the day went by too fast. So pretend this is from Week 1 of no swearing.
Fifteen. Mostly shits and damns, with one bloodcurdling “GOD! FUCKING SHIT!” I know this will make my grandmother’s stomach turn, sorry Nana. But I don’t think God will mind. This is what happened.
Our little family traveled back to L.A. on Wednesday night. The flight was uneventful besides the enormous poop that Kyle laid on us just before takeoff. Once we got to LAX, however, all Heck broke loose. The place was a zoo with post-holiday travelers. Our elapsed time from plane landing to arriving at our house was 2.5 hours. We live 40 minutes from the airport. Grr.
Kyle only slept for three hours and was awake at 4:15 AM at which point he commenced a day-long repetitive whine that made its way into my body via my ears and spread to the base of my skull and reverberated until my whole body was tense and humming. Thursday was just one long effort to get Kyle to sleep again. I finally wound up driving him around the foothills until he fell asleep in the car. Then I pulled into a Whole Foods parking lot, put the seat back, and took a nap myself.
The above nap was short-lived but at least we got one. Then we went shopping, something Kyle usually loves, but the whine started up again five minutes into the produce section. Maybe Kyle doesn’t really like to go organic. Oh well. I gave him a jar of Earth’s Best butternut squash with sweet corn to play with. BAD IDEA, PEOPLE. I know it seems intuitive, but you shouldn’t give glass jars to a 9-month-old boy. I guess I was just so tired I didn’t think it through. Kyle launched it like a 5 oz. missile down the baby food aisle of Whole Foods, where it smashed on the floor and created a brilliant orange splatter pattern near the end cap with the free range eggs. I flagged down a worker and apologized for the mess. He simply shrugged and said “It happens.”
Back at home, during dinner, during which he emphatically rejected a replacement jar of Earth’s Best butternut squash with sweet corn (geez, Mom, didn’t you get the HINT?), Kyle had an enormous blowout in his diaper of the type we call “sh*tting up the back.” I definitely coined that term before I read it in Jenny McCarthy’s remarkably unfunny book, just so you know. Not that I’m allowed to use it anymore, so we’ll say “pooping up the back” from now on, even though it’s much less descriptive.
So I hauled the offending baby into his room and proceeded to change his diaper. Remember that he whined incessantly that day, and the whine accompanied us to this event, complete with kicking and the occasional scream. Stewart was off in the kitchen, doing I don’t know what. So I got Kyle on the table, undid his foul diaper, and he instantly plunged his fat little hands into the steaming mess. That’s when I screamed. Then I reached for the wipes container, which is flimsy and annoying and the whole container comes WITH the wipe when you try to yank one out, so when I did so, the whole container flipped OVER the changing table and BEHIND it, out of my reach. THAT’s when I uttered the unthinkable profanity above. And THAT’s when Stewart came running to help me, knowing how hard I’d been trying to erase such words from my vocabulary. He knows that when I swear now, I really mean it.
Yeah, seriously… What’s with those wipes? I thought it was just me… but I pulled out about six of them when I only meant to pull out one.
Costco makes them in a tub…
Yeah, seriously… What’s with those wipes? I thought it was just me… but I pulled out about six of them when I only meant to pull out one.
Costco makes them in a tub…
COSTCO MAKES THEM!!!!!!! They are the Kirkland brand. The ones in the tub are not for diaper-area use.
Rackafrackarackafracka. That’s my new swear.
COSTCO MAKES THEM!!!!!!! They are the Kirkland brand. The ones in the tub are not for diaper-area use.
Rackafrackarackafracka. That’s my new swear.
LOL love the costco comment.
Sorry you had to use such profanity but sometimes it just happens.
Jenny McIdiot did not come up with the term shitting up the back.That has been long around. man do I dislike her I really find her not so funny anymore I used to love her now I just think she is obnoxious.
Sorry lost track and ranted about her .Glad your back and I hope Kyle is having a better day!
LOL love the costco comment.
Sorry you had to use such profanity but sometimes it just happens.
Jenny McIdiot did not come up with the term shitting up the back.That has been long around. man do I dislike her I really find her not so funny anymore I used to love her now I just think she is obnoxious.
Sorry lost track and ranted about her .Glad your back and I hope Kyle is having a better day!
Glad you made it back home. When I was decorating for Christmas I (stupidly) allowed my girl to play with a glass snow globe. She carried it around so nicely and it occupied her so I could get things done. Oh yea, until she dropped it on the tile and it shattered into a thousand pieces beneath her feet that is. Luckily no one was hurt by this mama’s stupidity. I love the clerk for his nonchalant attitude.
Glad you made it back home. When I was decorating for Christmas I (stupidly) allowed my girl to play with a glass snow globe. She carried it around so nicely and it occupied her so I could get things done. Oh yea, until she dropped it on the tile and it shattered into a thousand pieces beneath her feet that is. Luckily no one was hurt by this mama’s stupidity. I love the clerk for his nonchalant attitude.
I don’t think I’ve read something this funny in a long time! I’m sorry to laugh at your foibles, but I’ve got this picture in my head and I can’t stop laughing!!!! Hey, but now Stew will take you seriously….!
I don’t think I’ve read something this funny in a long time! I’m sorry to laugh at your foibles, but I’ve got this picture in my head and I can’t stop laughing!!!! Hey, but now Stew will take you seriously….!
I like the rackafracka thing. I’m going try that next time I’m mad at my husband!
I like the rackafracka thing. I’m going try that next time I’m mad at my husband!
Has Kyle hit the stage where he won’t be still for diaper changes and does everything in his power to flip his body over and move away?
When he does, you’ll have to start swearing again. It’s mandatory.
Has Kyle hit the stage where he won’t be still for diaper changes and does everything in his power to flip his body over and move away?
When he does, you’ll have to start swearing again. It’s mandatory.
Oh Kim, I’m sorry to laugh because we’ve all had days like that, but it really is a funny story. Ahh, it’s good to be home… isn’t it?
Oh Kim, I’m sorry to laugh because we’ve all had days like that, but it really is a funny story. Ahh, it’s good to be home… isn’t it?
Oh my god, Sue and I are hear howling. What a riot. Definitely deserves a good swear – maybe Nana won’t notice.
Oh my god, Sue and I are hear howling. What a riot. Definitely deserves a good swear – maybe Nana won’t notice.
Oh my god, Sue and I are hear howling. What a riot. Definitely deserves a good swear – maybe Nana won’t notice.
Boy, did I need that laugh! Wait til you get this one – today Luke grabbed himself for the first time. Ick. I knew it was going to happen, but he’s not even 1 yet!
Boy, did I need that laugh! Wait til you get this one – today Luke grabbed himself for the first time. Ick. I knew it was going to happen, but he’s not even 1 yet!
Boy, did I need that laugh! Wait til you get this one – today Luke grabbed himself for the first time. Ick. I knew it was going to happen, but he’s not even 1 yet!