I haven’t written much lately because:
-Family visit
-Husband away
-Toddler
-Ensuing fatigue
-Extreme heat at my house
-Did I say Toddler?
I am writing now because:
-I’m at work
-I’m working today to make up for the 2 days I took off last week to spend with family
-Only one other person is here
-Suddenly, the story I’m working on became very boring
I want to tell you a story from my own life. This is something that I think probably happens to every mother at some point, which is why I want to tell it.
My family returned home on Saturday morning – a day early – which left a whole day stretching out before me, unplanned and very hot. Too hot to take Kyle to the park. Nobody around to play with because it’s Labor Day weekend. Me feeling tired because Kyle and I had played in the hotel pool all morning. So when we got home, I put Kyle down for a nap and I laid down on the couch and flipped through the channels on TV. And then I watched about 2,382 episodes of Oprah.
And then I couldn’t get up.
The house was kind of a mess. There was work on my computer that I could have caught up on. There were tons of things I could do to occupy myself while Kyle slept. But I couldn’t do any of them. I sat there feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t have any plans to go out and see other people. If I stayed in the house all day, who would even know I existed? I reminisced about all of the things I could have been doing if I was in my former life. I could be out! Shopping! With friends! Or at a barbecue! Or camping in Baja with my husband! Doing something adventurous and free!
When I heard Kyle calling to me from his room having just woken up from a 3 and a half hour nap (!!), my stomach sank. I looked at my watch. It was 4pm. Four hours until his bedtime. Four hours that I would have to fill with entertaining him, feeding him, and cleaning him. And I didn’t even want to move.
Fortunately, my body responded to the sight of my irresistible child, and I cheered up a little bit. But I can’t say that I turned around 100%. Even though it was 80 hundred degrees outside, I decided to run an errand, just to get out of the house. I couldn’t stand the quiet that my four family members left behind. Kyle even looked around for his audience, and called for “Da-yee!?” a couple of times.
At that very moment, my mother called. I spoke with her for a few minutes and then I talked to my dad. By then it was almost 5pm, time for Notre Dame’s first game of the season to start. That made me sad because usually I watch the games with a bunch of friends. Kyle is no fun to drink beer with, let me tell you. But talking to my dad about it, knowing that he was across the country watching the game too, somehow made me feel better.
I put the game on Tivo, loaded Kyle into the car, and set out to do my errand. I was successful, which meant I had a project to do when we got home. The game was on, there was mac & cheese for dinner, my kid was delightful, and all was right with the world again.
I’m not very good at admitting when I get depressed or reaching out to people to say that I’m depressed. I never think of myself as a person who gets depressed. I mean, to me, depression = my friend who killed herself. So I attach a horrible stigma to the word, and therefore I cannot be associated with it. I have come very far since that happened, but I still hate to admit to myself and other people when the feeling comes over me. The best I could do that day was jokingly tell a friend on the phone that I was “sad and lonely” now that my family had left. She didn’t pick up on it, and I don’t blame her. I’m good at hiding it, or just not talking to anyone at all.
It used to happen a lot when I was a SAHM. Even before I had Kyle, when I was done with work and busy gestating, I would sometimes get this melancholy feeling. I thought it would go away now that I am working, but guess what! It can strike when your kid is 17 months old and you are too busy to breathe. Suddenly, when you are not busy anymore, all of that space takes up way too much room.
I know the feeling of being depressed at points. Like this coming weekend I have nothing to do and I am really sad about it, but I need to snap out of it and move on, life is too short to be sad over things we cant change!
Anyway I am glad you are feeling better and it is helpful to know we are not alone!
We have all been depressed at one point or another. Mommy-hood, whether you hold a second job outside of the house or not, can be exhausting and isolating. How guilty we have all felt at counting the hours stretching ahead of us until we can put our lovely little ones to bed for the night. We love them and their company, but we have all been there. No matter how empty and silent the four walls of your house, your blog-friends are here 🙂
Here I am…it’s 1:00 AM!!!! and I am driving to Maine at the crack of dawn.
Let’s be depressed together. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I have just wanted to get in the car and start driving – anywhere – and just keep going. This is NOT unusual.
I am depressed because although I am on medical leave, I DO have work I have to do, but I’m not. I’m depressed because I HAVE to go back to work and don’t want to go. It’s like this little hummming at the back of my brain…backtoworkbacktoworkbacktoworkback towork…..
I’m depressed because I had wanted to accomplish so much during this leave and I haven’t. How do the days go by so fast?
Mom
Thank you so much for sharing. I, too, have been there, particularly the “what am I going to do with 4 long hours staring me in the face?” place. And the made-up errands, sister, let me tell you I do those, too. It’s kind of a let down when the audience is gone, and there’s nothing but food being flung on the floor, and all the bending over to clean something up, and the entertaining, Lord, the non-stop entertaining… I call those days Molasses days, where I just feel stuck in a huge vat of molasses and I can’t get anything done, meanwhile the work is piling up around me. You’re not depressed, you’re just tired and overwhelmed sometimes. And really, who can blame you?
Even without any offspring of my own I can empathize with you. After spending time with my family or friends and then returning to my empty apartment I always feel lousy. I usually sit on the sofa feeling melancoly, stare at my cat, and wonder “now what?”
I think you make a good point with it being hard to admit to feeling depressed too. I’m always afraid to admit I’m depressed at certain times because I don’t like the stigma I feel comes along with it (even if I’m just imagining people putting that stigma on me!) And sometimes it’s nice to just have someone understand – instead of pulling a cheery “chin up” attitude..just to have someone say “I’ve been there” is nice to hear.
So, here I am – telling you I’ve been there. Except I didn’t have a toddler around to force to me get off the couch.
And on a completely different note I was thinking of you Saturday night. I was down in NJ with my Dad (who is also a Notre Dame alum) so of course the game was on and he was wearing his “lucky” ND shirt. Glad you guys started off the season well!
Been there, done that, that’s for sure! Sometimes those empty days are bliss…time to veg, nap, read, whatever. But sometimes they’re just empty, and lonely. I sure know the feeling. (((hugs)))
Honestly you are sounding like how I have been feeling lately. I don’t know if I would classify myself as depressed but I know I am in a funk that no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get out of. It’s rather bothersome.
I try to fill my days with so many things that keep me moving so I don’t have to stop and really think about what’s bugging me (our lack of money, my wanting material things in life, and a bunch of other stuff too numerous to mention now).
So I can sympathize with how you are feeling in this post and I agree we all have been there.
You know it is going to be a bad weekend when you are woken at 6 am by a crying hungry toddler and your first thought is “Oh, shit, it’s saturday morning. What am I going to do for two whole days?”
That thought is rapidly followed by guilt over the fact that you should be happy that is finally the weekend and you can focus all your attention on your kids. But sometimes I really do crave me time. Single, free, me time.
I have been fighting depression for a long time now. It really beats me down sometimes, but other times I can push it aside and everything is better. I try not to let it take over too much.
Of course I don’t have any kids but I can understand how you feel. I can spend a whole day with friends and family and then a few minutes after I get home I feel totally alone in the world.
Wow, this is amazing: look how many of us are with you! Yes, I’m included in that – I struggled with depression all summer because I was home alone with my cats all day. Tons of work to do but no one to “report to” but myself equalled an unproductive and despondent Freakazojd. It was horrific. We’re all here for you if you want to talk about it more – and I hope it’s at least nice to know you’re not alone.