I’m in therapy.
Specifically, I’m in chronic pain therapy. Not just for my lower back, but for my entire body and apparently for my chakras, too.
As such, I am doing a lot of intentional relaxing, stretching, and exercises. That means a lot of quiet time with my brain.
I’ve been told that I worry too much, that I analyze too much, that I’m too afraid of making mistakes. That I’m stronger than I think I am, yet I still move as if I’m going to get injured by a slight breeze. My brain is unnecessarily making my muscles too tense. All the time.
And I need to relax.
I don’t have to tell you that I DON’T HAVE TIME TO RELAX. You’ve seen what goes on here, and I don’t even tell you the whole story. This place is a madhouse, man. There’s no time for anything extra.
Except that if I don’t do that, my time is cut short by pain, so I guess I’d better…relax?
Here’s what: I just have to get better, once and for all. So that’s priority number 1, and priority number 2 is Everything Else. Some days it goes in the order of Work, Family Time, Eating Food. Some days I switch it up. Depends on what’s hot on the burner.
Work suffers the most. Just yesterday I plumb forgot to post on ShePosts.com, where I write a Monday – Friday column. I am nothing if not responsible to my commitments. But when I realized this morning that I skipped my post, I felt bad but not too bad. I can’t beat myself up anymore. That’s progress, right?
Also, I realized, in the alone time with my brain, that I created this life for myself. Nobody is making me do what I do. My insane schedule is of my own making. I can’t say “I have to go to this event” or “I have to write this post” because I don’t have to. I want to. Whether I can or can’t is a different story. I’m feeling the serenity prayer coming on…
Breathe in, breathe out. It’s all going to be okay. 🙂
Diazapam at bedtime could help….
I think that my taking the mail, phone, laptop, bills, etc. to the bathroom when I even just have to pee doesn’t make me a good person to comment on the art of relaxing……If I could pay bills while doing yoga, I think I might try it. I even contemplated loading a couple of baskets of laundry into the car to fold while I was waiting for Jax baseball game to start the other night. Yep. Let me know how that relaxing thing all works out. Chris’ solution to my chaos is for me to get up at 5 AM so I can go run before he leaves for work. Then I will be up, have worked out and my mind awake so I can get more done before I have to be at work around 8:30. That’s not working out so well either.
I was in the exact place two years ago. It was a creative rock bottom of sorts and I could barely walk from the cumulative muscle tension/sciatica/herniated disc madness.
And I finally finally finally began letting ago a year ago August. Because THE STRIVING was killing me. I wasn’t leaving room for anything bigger than me and my huge ego.
My way out was slow and deliberate and did involve a lot of self-care: accupuncture, physical therapy, a very painful steroid cortisone shot, seeing a shrink, swaroopa yoga (deep muscle release for old/injured, and meditation, and reading lots of Melodie Beattie and Pema Chodron.
I feel freer and happier than I ever have now, and when I fall off the perfectionist wagon, it is much easier to find my way back to “letting go.” It is such a hard journey, but you will get through it.
Hugs from someone who gets it.
Ann