I don’t know when I noticed life was life at my expense
(Blink.)
I can’t believe these things are all around me, growing quietly and being so beautiful, without me even noticing.
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
These hydrangeas are from a great big bush that is growing on the other side of our house. The side where nobody ever goes because the fence blocks access to the backyard. Why bother? It’s the Side That Time Forgot, or as we lovingly refer to it: the Secret Garden.
This gardenia – a gardenia! – is from the bush in the front yard. I walk by it every morning, and today I smelled it. This bloom is now perfuming my office. It is right next to my monitor.
I was half the naked distance between Hell and Heaven’s ceiling and it almost pulled me under
I was compelled to bolt through the front door today and cut some flowers for inside my house. I’ve been doing okay – okay, as I defined for Brady the other afternoon, is the state of being not good, but not bad – but there are moments when I feel like I’m going to lose it. Just fucking lose it. I can’t even imagine how that would manifest in my life.
Vodka helps, and writing about it. And the flowers helped a lot. After I cut them and photographed them and instagrammed them I was able to go back to work for another hour and care about the best unusual dining experiences in Los Angeles.
Do you know what this loss is like? Can you feel that hole in your soul?
I know I’m not the only person in the world who feels it, but the feeling itself is so lonely.
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
This evening as I washed dishes for 4,252th time in my life or more, the Indigo Girls, bless them, sang to me and reminded me that I am not of this. I am a person who chooses happiness over sadness. I chose hair color over a bender in Mexico, after all. I can choose to shut out the shadowy thoughts and snuggle up with my family and maybe even say a prayer again.
oh bunbun.
I am there. I go there. I have been visiting there one and off. Last week I lived there. This week, I moved out for a while, but I keep peeking back over my shoulder every now and then.
My memory this week – the smile that has erased my tears – is my trip out East to your wedding. The one that started by shopping on Michigan Avenue, and being enouraged to by my boldest top ever, the white halter that I wore braless.
Then to a few days at The Shore, and the night out at the Club in said top after waiting and waiting for LWs to finish drying her hair.
Then onto NYC, and Mama Mia with Cindy and Ray. Then shopping on 5th Avenue where I bought shoes at Sax and a size 4 (4!!!!!) shirt at Brooks Brothers.
And Matt made us dinner and we drank fine wine and laughed.
And then drove to New Haven. And watched you beautifully marry your lovely Stewart.
Then the drive through New England and the lawns, and the silly stops looking for food and bathrooms, and gas I think.
It was a magificant week. It was one of the best weeks of my life. And I have wondered – did we know it then how wonderful this week was? That life would not really be this sweet forever? That for this moment we WERE invincible?
I wish I could smell your flowers. And drink some wine, and listen to the Indigo Girls.
I love you Kimmy.
And because I have – I do – spend time in that place – and I know that when I do, I am so lonely, but want to be alone as well – that if you DO want to call, and come hang with me in that space, know that I might just be there too. Or if I’m not, I’ll meet you halfway, and we can leave there and go sit in your secret garden.
*big hug*
Yeah, I know. And no, I’m not exactly sure how we survive, but we do.
Hugs.
I feel you – but it’s a step that you noticed and brought the beauty in close to you. When my Mom died (in 1989) I thought ‘I will never be truly happy again’ – I was wrong… although, the happiest moments I have had since are always a little to a lot bittersweet
hugs
xoj9
It breaks my heart that you are in pain. Trust to time, and the love that surrounds you.
Your Mom?!? How loved are you?
These are beautiful. I’m so glad you not only took time to stop and smell the flowers, but share them.
What your mom said is wise. Imma share a few more words from the Indigo Girls. Same album? It all feels very 1992ish or so.
“Got get out of bed, get a hammer and a nail, learn how to use my hands, not just my head, I’ll think myself into jail. Now I now a refuse never grows, from a chin in a hand in thoughtful pose.”
kim recently posted…May 10 Making for Families at Destination: Chicago
Such a lovely post.
I’m thinking this is about your friend who died. My heart goes out to you. Anyways, just a great post and I too look at the blossoms and try to appreciate them but I fear them too because they are so short lived.
Anyways, clink. Wish we all lived close together so we could sit on our porches or sidewalks and chat.