It Almost Pulls Me Under
I can’t believe these things are all around me, growing quietly and being so beautiful, without me even noticing.
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
These hydrangeas are from a great big bush that is growing on the other side of our house. The side where nobody ever goes because the fence blocks access to the backyard. Why bother? It’s the Side That Time Forgot, or as we lovingly refer to it: the Secret Garden.
This gardenia – a gardenia! – is from the bush in the front yard. I walk by it every morning, and today I smelled it. This bloom is now perfuming my office. It is right next to my monitor.
I was half the naked distance between Hell and Heaven’s ceiling and it almost pulled me under
I was compelled to bolt through the front door today and cut some flowers for inside my house. I’ve been doing okay – okay, as I defined for Brady the other afternoon, is the state of being not good, but not bad – but there are moments when I feel like I’m going to lose it. Just fucking lose it. I can’t even imagine how that would manifest in my life.
Vodka helps, and writing about it. And the flowers helped a lot. After I cut them and photographed them and instagrammed them I was able to go back to work for another hour and care about the best unusual dining experiences in Los Angeles.
Do you know what this loss is like? Can you feel that hole in your soul?
I know I’m not the only person in the world who feels it, but the feeling itself is so lonely.
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
This evening as I washed dishes for 4,252th time in my life or more, the Indigo Girls, bless them, sang to me and reminded me that I am not of this. I am a person who chooses happiness over sadness. I chose hair color over a bender in Mexico, after all. I can choose to shut out the shadowy thoughts and snuggle up with my family and maybe even say a prayer again.Pin It